Minkland (Part 2)

The girl followed closely behind the squirrel-man.  With his advanced age, reliance upon a cane and tiny little legs, she had to be careful not to walk right over top him.  They walked in silence for a good while, which was fine with her as it gave her  time to gather her thoughts, and take her new surroundings.  The forest seemed familiar and unfamiliar all at the same time.  The trees were the largest things she had ever seen, with bark big enough to sleep in.  It seemed to her that whole neighborhoods would fit nicely into one trunk.  The leaves were also a marvel.  It was as though they had been hand dipped in mercury and each sparkled like mirrors in the sun.  What struck her the very most, however, was the comforting quiet.  There was no sound at all but their footfalls through the bracken.  Even the bird-cat had stopped its incessant call to come and silently flew overhead.  She felt herself settle into the peace of this land, and her soul sighed with pleasure.

Finally, she felt ready to speak.  She looked down at her new companion and asked, "What is your name?".  Without braking stride, he replied "They call me Garumph."  "Garumph?", she repeated.  "No, dear, roll the R.  Godddd-RUMF!"  She laughed, and tried again. "GODDDD-RUMF!"  "Brilliant!", he shouted.

They hadn't gotten very far, but Garumph indicated that he needed to rest.  They sat at the base of one of the giant trees, and he took out a tiny silver flask.  He gave her a sheepish grin, drank, and said "Goodly Paxroot, this is.  Keeps the auld bones greased, and the joints a'flexin."  She held out her hand, suddenly overcome with thirst, and he passed it over.  Once she figured out how to navigate the minute opening,  she took one long pull of the sweet elixir.  She felt  the warm wetness travel down her throat, burning through her torso like fire.  Garumph took this opportunity to return her question to her.  "Do you remember what you are called?", he asked.  "No."  She answered.  "I had been trying to think of it since I asked you your name, but nothing comes to me."  He thought on this for a moment, and it made him sad.  He couldn't contemplate not knowing his own denomination.

"Well, I have an idea, if I may.",  he said.  "Might you allow me the privilege and honor of bestowing upon you a new designation?  Just until you remember your given name, of course."  Excited by the idea, she agreed to it immediately.  He sat pondering for a long while, while rocking back and forth and forth and back on his seat made of root.  His brow furrowed into little knots, and his tiny eyes were shut tight in concentration. She grew tired with the anticipation, and found herself leaning forward until she slipped off of her own stem and sprawled on the ground in a heap.  Finally, at long last, his eyes sprang open and, with great reverence, he said, "Skyward.  You shall be called Skyward, as you are both a gift from the heavens and as tall as the trees."

She laughed, and looked above her at the trees which seemed to stretch for miles atop their heads.  "Well," she told him.  "I don't know if I'm as tall as all that, but I love it still.  Please do call me Sky for short, as I don't think I'm one for formalities."  "Sky, it is then", he responded, and waived his cane overhead as though to bless her.  Just then, there came a flutter from behind Garumph, and something burrowed through the leaves to his side.  A great, golden beetle poked his head out from beneath the foliage, and reached his tiny arms up to grasp the silver flask.  "Oh, my", said Garumph.  "I am so very happy you are here, Auric.  May it please you to meet my new friend, Sky".  Auric, once having had his fill of Paxroot, turned and gave a grand belch in her direction.  He then bowed with a great flourish, and trilled "Mayyy yoooou liiive to beee longed, longggg to beee liiived, and neveeer forrrget to daaaance attt miiidnight."  With that, he bowed again, and scuttled off to his home beneath the trees.

Garumph stood, shook himself from head to toe, and began walking again on his unseen path.  Sky followed quickly behind.  "How did you come to speak Minkish?", he asked her.  "Minkish?", she responded.  "Minkish", he repeated.  "The language of our land.  I'm curious how it came to be that you speak it.".  "I do not," she protested.  "I speak English."  He chuckled, a sound with which she was growing quite familiar, and said "My dear, you are speaking Minkish to me, as surely as I am six score and eight years old."  She quickly did the math in her head, and stopped dead in her tracks.  "YOU are 128 years old?", she demanded.  He turned to look at her, and smiled at her astonishment.  He leaned heavily upon his cane, and said "Friend Sky, you surely know how to make a fellow feel ancient.  Point of fact, there are ten more in my village who are at least two more score than I."  As if to prove it, he kicked up his heels and continued down the path.

They walked on, again in silence, for a half hour more, when they came to a pair of trees that formed an archway over the path.  A flutter of wings overhead was a reminder that bird-cat had been with them for every step of their journey.  She sailed in great swoops and furls and cried "Home, Home, Home!".  Sky and Garumph stepped out from beyond the forest canopy, and took in the world beyond.  She was overwhelmed by what she saw; hundreds of Garumphs, milling about their day and bustling through their tiny streets.  He, realizing how overwhelming it all was, took her great hand in his little paw, and said "Come, child.  Welcome to my home.  You will be loved here."


(To be con't)

Minkland, part 2

...is a works in progress, to be posted soooooon.  :)

Minkland (Part One)

She awoke to the sound of an incessant bleating in her ears.  She reached for the alarm clock which she somehow knew must be there, but there was none.  Instead of the audible peace she was after, she had grasped a fistful of what felt like enormous leaves.

Her eyes opened slowly  to the brilliance of the sun and, strangely, a canopy of leaves overhead.  She sat up and took a good look around to see what she could see.  "Hello.", said a voice behind her.  She turned with a start, but saw no one except an overly large squirrel peering at her quizzically, standing on the roots of one of the largest trees she had ever witnessed.  "Come, Come, Come", came a call from over her head, clearly the source of the annoyance that had awoken her.  She looked up and saw the oddest sight.  It had the head of a bird, and the beak of a bird, and blue feathers, not unlike a bird.  Yet, it had the body of a small, white, house cat and the beautiful, downy wings of a snowy owl.  The bird-cat had its head cocked, and a gaze that was unblinking on the girl.  "Come, Come, Come", it said again.

She shook her head, looked back up at the bird-cat, then shook her head again for good measure.  No matter, it was still there, staring its empty bird stare.  "Hello?", the voice said again from behind her.  She turned back around to see that the squirrel had crept closer.  But this was no squirrel at all, was it?  He was the smallest man she had ever seen.  Oh, to be sure, he had tiny buck teeth and a layer of short, coarse fur that covered him from his head down to his wee feet.  However, on the top of his fuzzy head he wore a small, very unsquirrel-like, brown fedora, and in his tiny right claw he clutched hard to the cane he leaned upon.  The cane was made of some kind of wood, and was clearly as old as he, but its shine spoke of the great care he took with it.  She goggled at him for the longest of times, mouth open like a trout, then slammed herself hard back against her bed of leaves.

"This is a dream", she declared loudly.  "You, and that bird thing, are not real, so I refuse to speak to you."  With her eyes shut firmly against the sun, she implored sleep to overtake her once more.  She heard the little man chuckle softly from somewhere off to the right. He cleared his throat, as if to collect himself, and said "Well, my dear, I do believe that was you just there, speaking to me."  She pursed her lips, and refused to say another word.

They stayed like this for a very long time, her splayed on the ground with arms folded firmly over her chest, and him patiently leaning on his cane.  They both somehow managed to ignore the bird overhead, who was yet beseeching them to come to some unknown place.  Finally, she opened one eye, saw that he was staring, and simply asked "What?".  "What, what?" he replied.  She sat up with a huff.  "What do you want?" She asked.  "Why are you still here and, worse yet, why are you staring at me?"  This time he laughed with a great rolling chitter that nearly knocked him off of his cane.  Had she not been so annoyed, she may have joined him in his great mirth.  "My sweet girl, I'm quite sure I can't help myself.  I have never, in all of my long days, seen a giant such as yourself.  You are simply a marvel."

She was rendered speechless at the absurdity of this, and put her head in her hands.  "I'm the marvel?" she thought.  "I have a bird-cat in the tree above me, and a squirrel-man talking to me with a jaunty cap on his head, and I am the marvel?"

Seeing her frustration, he sought to calm her with a question.  "Where are you from, dear?"  She gazed into his kind eyes, and with a small, girlish voice, replied "I don't know".  He tried again.  "Where are your people?", he asked.  She shook her head at him with a heavy sigh, and her eyes filled up with tears.  His brow furrowed in confusion, and he made one last attempt.  "Well, how did you get here?", he implored.  She began crying now, long, low, racking sobs that made her shake from head to toe.  "I tell you, I don't know!", she howled.  He hobbled to her side, and rubbed her arm with one elfin paw.  "Shhh, there there, my dear.  It will be just fine.  Hush yourself now."

Finally her tears dried up, and she managed to give him a little smile.  Just then, her stomach made a cry of its own, and loudly announced its desire for food.  He stepped back from her, and clapped his tiny hands with delight.  "I know just the thing!  My dear, you must come with me to my village, and break your fast with us.  My people will love you!".  Having no where else to go, and feeling weak with hunger, she reluctantly agreed.  "After all," she told herself, "what's the worst that could happen in a dream such as this?"

They wandered off together into the brush, with the bird-cat following overhead, calling "Come!  Come!  Come!."


(To be continued...)

Quick update...

...on the working out front.  I am three days in, and every muscle and nerve ending in my body is a a'quiver.  I not only did the treadmill today, but Chris and I played Wii stuff for hours tonight.  My arms feel like they are going to fall off my body and melt into the carpet.  I am hoping this is, in some way, preparing me for the P90X, but I dunno....friends are actually WARNING us about it.  They take one look at our pasty, overweight, 40 year old selves and, with a furrowed brow, say "Yeah, guys, umm.  That workout is pretty intense.  Let me know if you need any help."  I just know they are anticipating having to rush to our apartment and pick us both up off the floor.

I can't WAIT.  :)

Jenn

Coffee is no longer my friend. :/

I have always loved my coffee.  I used to drink pots of the stuff.  I am one of those freaks where 2 shots of espresso in my Starbucks didn't cut it, I needed to pay to add a third.

Well, apparently no longer.  About a year ago I put my coffee maker at home away to try and cut down on my obscene consumption of caffeine.  Since my only other coffee source was at my job, I have had very little of that sweet brown elixir since I was laid off.  Last Friday, I went back to my old job to help out, because the new manager who had been hired to replace me had already been fired.  While there, I had three cups of coffee in 4 hours.  By the time I was heading home I thought I was having a full scale panic attack.  Not heeding that warning, today I went to Starbucks and ordered my usual 3-espresso cafe mocha.  Well, I think I have finally learned my lesson.  There has been a 40 pound weight on my chest since 5 pm this afternoon that refuses to move.  My heart was racing for hours, and I've been having a hard time breathing.  It has been a virtual PARTY.  Looks like it is green tea for me from now on.  :/

In other news, I worked out today, so I did SOMETHING right for my poor little heart.  32 minutes on the treadmill and, as always, I felt great afterwards.  You'd think the endorphin high would draw me back in with regularity, but it is always a fight to stay motivated.  For my birthday, Chris ordered the P90X workout DVD's, and they are due to arrive sometime this week.  According to their advertisements, one should already be in relatively good shape before attempting the P90X.  Therefore, announcements on where to visit me and/or send flowers to the hospital may be forthcoming.  Stay tuned.  ;)

Jenn

Give it to God

I was reading some of Caroline Myss' "Anatomy of the Spirit" the other evening.  Specifically the chapter that talks about the 5th chakra.  Your 5th chakra is located in your throat, and with my thyroid issues I thought I should maybe have a look see what it was all about.  


Mental and Emotional Issues associated with the 5th chakra: Choice and strength of will; personal expression; following one's dream; using personal power to create; addiction; judgment and criticism; faith and knowledge; capacity to make decisions.


Primary Fears Fears related to willpower, including fear of having no power or choice, no authority within oneself, being out of control, and fear of Divine will.


Those 2 categories alone stopped me in my tracks.  It was like reading my own biography.


Myss says that the essence of 5th chakra is faith.  She calls us to surrender personal will to divine will.  This spoke to me in an almost unsettling way.  Give up control?  Me?  Well, how will my life possibly move forward if I don't spend every waking moment worrying about it?  If I don't bite my nails, smoke, grind my teeth and lay awake obsessively chewing over every decision, what horrible fate awaits me?  My entire body is strung taut, every muscle clenched with tension - do my muscles even know how to relax anymore?  On the other hand, the very idea of packaging up all of that stress and handing it over to someone much more capable than I to handle it almost makes me cry with relief.  


I told Chris a few days ago that, when I envision a happy life, it is pretty simple.  I see a quiet life doing yoga, meditating, reading, fellow shipping with friends and animals, creating with my hands, and cooking whole, healthy meals.  I also wouldn't mind giving up any worries about money, though I don't need riches.  I fantasize about that life, yet I do very little to create it.


I wonder, often, why I can't motivate myself to do the things that I know will bring me peace.  Therefore, I also found it interesting that the 5th chakra also demands forgiveness.  Not just of others, but of ourselves.  I have never had issue with forgiving others.  I rarely hold a grudge or even get truly angry with others.  But, for myself, there has been little forgiveness.  I have made a number of decisions that have long picked at my soul and has left an open, seeping wound that I fear may never heal.  I even have a hard time forgiving myself for the small, inconsequential things that most people can shrug off in an instant.  So, it stands to reason that I don't allow myself the things that will bring me peace...as, why offer aid to the enemy?


We had a prayer/meditation yesterday evening for the Gulf.  As I was asking God to please help, with a laundry list of who, what, and how she should do it, I remembered Myss' call to give it to God.  I spent a few moments quieting my soul, and with an attempt at faith, told her that her will be done.


I have hope that I can someday forgive myself, and trust in spirit enough to say with regularity "Thy will be done".  I believe then I might find the peace I am longing for.


Jenn

Not in a good place....

....but working through it.  Usually when you don't see me, it is generally because when I am in a bad place, I shut off much in the way of substantial communication.  Health issues, depression,disappointment in myself, not doing what I know I need to do to be a whole, healthy person all leads to me hiding out.  I guess because I judge myself so harshly that I expect others to do it as well.

So, please bear with me, I am trying to restart the good things and wrangle my self-defeating tendencies back under control.

Jenn

Will we be there?

If I turned my head
and called your name
If I bet the spread
and said "Let's wed"
would you be there?

If I raised my hands
and  praised your name
If I worked your lands
and built your brand
would you be there?

I fucking hate this poem
It's a total joke
I hate the rhyme
I hate the bloke
Because he won't be there.

But he is here.
And, he is there.
And, I don't hate
I just complicate
Because I won't be there.

Yet I AM here
And, so is he.
We fit like pods,
or so says god.
And, we'll be there.

Live Love Alive is a little stuck...

The company, I mean.  Here are the things that are sticking:

1. As I had mentioned before, I ordered the wrong size organza bags.  After multiple tries to contact the seller, I think I'm pretty screwed on that front.  I have to have some kind of packaging, so back to the drawing board to figure out what they will be.
2. I am waiting on my soap stamp, which is taking a little longer than I thought.  It is really cute, see the image below.  (FYI, the image was taken by the folks who made it for me, who also make soap).
3. The money grows ever tighter, and I still need:  more goat's milk, new packaging, some other odds and ends, and a sign for the market booth.  Oh, and not to mention, I haven't even started purchasing the soy candle wax and candle holders.
4. I still haven't received the L.A. Business Tax ID.

On the happy news front, I finally got the very late unemployment check and cashed it yesterday, and it was cause for celebration.  :)

Here is what the soap stamp will look like:

Pretty coolio, huh?  :)

Jenn

Birthday Weekend = Awesome. :)

Ok, first the only annoying part, because it just happened.  I started playing around with the layout of this blog about an hour ago, and MY GOD are the templates fugly.  Then I had a panic attack for the last 1/2 hour trying to figure how to get it back to normal so ya'll didn't think I was on crack.  Sheesh!

Ok, now the great.  The dinner Chris made for me on Friday was nothing short of miraculous.  Steak, sautéed shrimp, a small baked potato, and a chocolate birthday cake.  The cake had to wait until much later, though, because I was STUFFED. 

Then we got our fancy duds on and went to Joe's.  So much fun, so many missed faces, drinks, laughter and great games of pool.  Oh, and 2 virtual strangers bought me birthday drinks....I was so touched!

Needless to say, I was quite tipsy by the time we got home...Chris has some funny stories.  If he ever writes a blog, you can read 'em there.  ;)

Saturday we slept in, cleaned the house a little, and then picked up a friend that we hadn't seen in almost four years.  Greg is one of Chris' oldest friends, going back to middle school.  He had never been to Los Angeles, and never even seen the Pacific, so we took him to Venice beach.  There is an AMAZING Italian restaurant there called C&O Trattoria - it has, seriously, the best Italian food I have ever had in my life.  We had only been there once before, for my birthday 2 years ago, so it was serendipity.  Some other things to love about this place:  the waiters pass out the words to "That's Amore" every hour or so.  When "That's Amore" starts playing, all of the waiters stop what they're doing and walk around clinking glasses with us (because they awesomely get to drink too) as we're all singing.  They also have house chianti "on the honor system".  There are four stations around the room and you help yourself and let them know how many glasses you've had.  Oh, something else fabulous - because there is ALWAYS a lengthy wait to get in, and you have no where else to stand but on the sidewalk, they come and pass out steaming hot garlic knots, which are only the BEST THINGS I HAVE EVER PUT INTO MY MOUTH.  I hope I have adequately expressed the amazing and friendly atmosphere of this restaurant.  Not only is the food delectable, but it also has some of the happiest, best servers I have ever had the pleasure to be served by.   For those of you in the area, do yourselves the favor of checking them out:  http://www.cotrattoria.com/ .

Needless to say, after that build up, Greg had a wonderful time, and we had so much fun catching up with him.  Then, he culminated dinner by snatching up the bill and wishing me a happy birthday!  SO sweet.  Of course I said absolutely not, but he reminded us that it is a tax write off because he was in town for a convention, so we reluctently, but so gratefully, agreed.  Then we came back to our apartment, talked for hours more, and then he hit the hay on our couch.

Today was a nice catch-up, relaxing, resting kind of a day.  We watched 'The Road' tonight - well done, though not as good as the book and quite dark for a Sunday. 

Well, since I missed 2 blogs worth, please consider that the full report, and hopefully it wasn't too boring.  ;)

Tomorrow - back to soap making, working out, and I AM QUITTING SMOKING again, for the 400th time.  I think they say 400 is the charm, right?  Oh, and Greg was raving about the P90X workout (http://www.beachbody.com/product/fitness_programs/p90x.do?tnt=TNT_P90X-PLAC_B) - he said he had lost 2 pant sizes in a little more than a month, so we may try to see if we can find it used.  It sounds like quite the ass kicker, but that's what my big ass needs!

Jenn

40th. Birthday. Four Oh. 4 decades. Yeah.

Well, on the plus side I have made it this far.  Sometimes I wondered if I would or not.  Another plus is that my thirties weren't exactly a party.  What scares me about that, is I said those "EXACT" same words on my thirtieth birthday about my twenties, so I hope I'm not cursing myself.  Or, maybe I just need to shut the hell up and acquire a more positive outlook!

One thing that I know, without question, is I need to start treating myself one hell of a whole lot better if I want to see 50.  I need to quit smoking, for real and for done.  I need to drink a little less, go to bed a lot earlier, and do more things that are truly relaxing.  Like, wow, go on vacations again.  Or, even be able to afford a vacation.  Maybe make a little more money so that I can stress a whole lot less.  Meditate.  Eat better.  Ok, I just cracked myself up, because I'm starting to sound like an article in "Whole Living" magazine, formerly "Body and Soul", which I LOVE AND YOU WILL TOO, TRUST ME!

Anyhoodle, Chris took me golfing today, tomorrow is more soap making, and tomorrow night he is making me dinner (steaks!) and then taking me to a party that is being thrown for me at Joe's.  Joe's is a kick-ASS country bar, and it seriously has some of the coolest characters in all of Los Angeles.  I mean, women still wear their hair in bee hives, men have their ten gallon hats and ginormous belt buckles, and the clothes are AWESOME.  I get such a kick going there, because they have fun, they dance, they sing, and they don't give a whit what anyone thinks.  Yay for me.  :)

I hope you have a beautiful day tomorrow, too, and thanks for sticking it out with me on this here writin' blog this year.  :)

Muah!
Jenn

Oy, long and exhausting day....

Yes, I'm still up.  Today involved a lot of things, and none of them were making soap.  I'm going to hit the hay and get back to it tomorrow.

Well, the first day didn't go exactly as planned...

I decided to try a buttermilk powder instead of a straght up milk powder in my "Purple Cow" soap mix.  Who knew that buttermilk was so damn clumpy and sticky???  I had to get out the mixer, which then put a bunch of bubbles into the mix, so I'm not sure it turned out perfectly.  I need to let it age at least 1 day, if not 2, before I try it.  If it didn't work, no real loss, because I can just mill it into shavings and remelt it.  This is definitely trial and error and a big learning process!!!

As for the exfoliant I made today, I think it is perfect except one thing - I can't and won't use artificial colorings, and it seems as though natural colors are as rare as a damn unicorn.  The exfoliant is made from dead sea salt and 7 types of oils.  So, it smells great and will be heavenly for your skin but, quite frankly, it looks like gray nast.  Not something that will draw the crowds, knomsayin?  I need to learn how to make natural colorings before I make any more exfoliant.  Which will have the added benefit of being able to also color my soaps.

So, that's the first day of Live Love Alive.  Not a barn burner, but a start nonetheless.  Tomorrow I'm going to make the "Sweet Tea" soap - a fine combo of chamomile, green tea butter, honey, and jojoba oil with a lemon/peppermint scent.

Here is a picture of all of my supplies gleaming on the shelf:

Jenn

Tired, but excited.

I received my soap bases today - 42 pounds worth.  Tonight's blog is just this - tomorrow begins a brand new day, and I'm happy.  :)

Jenn

Random thoughts

The fog is rolling in tonight.  It makes the lights on the buildings around us sparkle like newly forged stars. 

Los Angeles can't decide whether it is warm or cold, or barren or humid.  I still haven't adapted to that Los Angeles concept of 'dressing in layers'.  So, I sit this evening in fleece pants and thin cotton tee to make up the difference.

I miss my parents, especially my pop.  I called him last Monday and thanked him for his service to our country.  It seemed a slight gift to give to one who has contributed a lifetime of service; to his country, to his family, and to his wife and children.  If you knew him, you would know what I meant by separating 'family', from 'wife and children'.  It is because he supported and raised all of his ten brothers and sisters before he ever got to us.  My father started working at 9 years old, and has never stopped supporting those around him.  To this day, he is still taking care of his brother who has schizophrenia.  I only wish I had half the strength of him, half the integrity, and half the spine.  He is a marvel.  When he goes, the world will be a darker, less honest place to live.

Chris and I attended a play tonight, called "Café le Monde".  Call me self-centered, but as always I sit and watch plays now saying to myself, "I should be up there, why aren't I up there?"  It rarely is because the players aren't good; more often it is just because I miss it dearly.  It is as though someone cut off my limbs, and I am slithering across the floor looking for the parts.  Or, to be less morbid, I just plain miss it so.

Jenn

The Sunlight and Mr. Puss

She walked through the forest, looking for the sun.  It had been days since she saw it, and still she saw none.  It was then she grew tired, and wept without care; it was then she was mired in her own blasé faire. 

She slept for awhile, for the first time in days.  When she awoke, she decided to pray.

"Help me, dear presence.  Help me, old soul.  Tell me what sweet lamp will fill up my oil."

Just then she heard him, and looked all around.  His eyes were aglow as he whispered her sound. He hissed her name.  "Sweet Mary", he said.  She knew him with instinct, she knew his great head.

"Why, hello, there cat." She sang, in E flat.  "Hello Mr. Puss.  You big old cougar, you old sweet cuss."

He purred without care, and tumbled around.  He showed his large belly, and pawed at the ground.

Finally, he stood, and majestically said, "Sweet Mary, sweet Mary, you've lost your head.  Look you, dear soul, look you right there.  The sun, it awaits, if you'd just have a care. She's been waiting for you, many a day.  Sweet Mary, sweet Mary, just walk that way."

She did look, just as he asked.  She looked and she marveled, as it sparkled like glass,  Just round the bend, just over the hill, the sun showed her light and gave her her fill.

She gasped, and turned, to thank that big cat.  He was gone on a whisker, without even a pat.   He had left a gold trinket, right there on the ground.  She took it and read it, and laughed quite out aloud.

"Sweet Mary", it said, "always be true.  Stay on the path and you cannot be blue."

I don't need to wait until later to post...

....that today has been a pretty crappy day.  Definitely some setbacks:

I received the colored sheer organza bags that I was going to sell the soap in.  They are adorable but, problem is, I unknowingly ordered the wrong size.  I wrote to the company and I'm waiting to hear back to see if they'll let me switch for larger bags.  I hope so, because I spent $60.  :(

I have been paid exactly one unemployment check, of less than $500, in the over 1 month since I was laid off.  I called them last Saturday and they were supposed to send a new claim form (to replace the one I had forgotten to sign), of which I still haven't received.  I called them again today, and I was told I just have to wait until it gets here.  I am so stressed about money right now, agggghhhhhh.

I had ordered $37 worth of what I thought was powdered goats milk.  It arrived today and, as it turns out, I ordered evaporated instead of powdered, which I can't use.  Luckily, I had ordered it from the wonderful, customer-service-oriented, Amazon.com, so they gave me a full refund and they don't even want the goats milk back.

I broke a glass in the sink.  Some of the shards went down into the disposal, and I cut the crap out of my fingers trying to dig it all out.

Do you see a pattern here?  My dumb azz is making mistakes right and left.  I am really displeased with my own performance right now.  I think I'll fire me.  :'(

Jenn

Long, busy day...

I'm exhausted, so here's a short recap:

Worked out, 31 minutes on the treadmill.

Worked out again by doing a deep, deep cleaning on the kitchen and "library".  Who knew your heart could race by washing the kitchen floor by hand?

Organized all of the soap supplies that have been trickling in.

Brushed the cat....another workout, trust me.

Made dinner. 

*fell over* 

Working out again, finally...

On Sunday I did Wii Fit for over an hour.  Today I was on the treadmill for 32 minutes.  It is amazing how moving your body results in an an almost immediate increase in energy, better mood, and overall feeling of well being.  May I remember this, even when I'm tired, even when I'm not seeing the immediate results I want, and even when I just don't feel like it.

On another note, allow me to marvel at the kindness of folks I have never even met.  In the last year I have received beautiful gifts from two very good on-line friends.  I feel blessed to have been shown such love, and I hope to be able to return the blessings that I have been given.  Thank you Brigetta and Kelsey.

Jenn

The Power of the Mind.

Chris and I watched a documentary on Clint Eastwood tonight - who turned 80 yesterday, by the by, and what more appropriate day for him to do so than on Memorial Day?  You can tell that the documentary was made very recently, as it even included his recent movie Invictus.  What struck both of us is how sharp he still is, both in mind and body.  It got us talking about why that is.  Why is Clint in so much better shape than many others who are 10, 20 or even 40 years younger?

My theory is that Clint seems fully present in the now.  When you hear him speak, he does not lament, he does not regret, he does not worry and stress.  He just is.  He accepts that everything has happened, and will happen, regardless of how much or little he tears himself up over it.  I'm not sure I have the capabilities to convey just how much I admire that in someone.  I, up until now, have been fully the opposite.  I regret decisions I made years ago.  I spend time wondering if, had I made better, more healthy choices in my life, could I have prevented my illnesses?  I ruminate for hours on what the future holds, and what I'm not doing right that may effect the outcome for ill.  I spend more time fretting about not working out than actually doing it.  I live most of my life in stress - about money, about family, and about what people think of me.  Chewing my nails down to nubs and smoking are two physical manifestations of the turmoil that is raging within me.

I fully believe that the mind is so powerful,  it can ultimately destroy you from the inside out if not kept in check.  I have no doubt that the sickness in my body has resulted from the sickness of my brain.  Though I have worked for years to quiet these inner demons, I realize I am not home yet.  I can only continue to try.

Happy belated, Clint, and thanks so much for so many years of wonderful entertainment!

Eckhart Tolle:

"Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are cause by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence"

"When you are present, you can allow the mind to be as it is without getting entangled in it. The mind in itself is a wonderful tool. Dysfunction sets in when you seek your self in it and mistake it for who you are"

◦"The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive. To put it more accurately, it is not so much that you use your mind wrongly—you usually don't use it at all. It uses you."

◦"The psychological condition of fear is divorced from any concrete and true immediate danger. It comes in many forms: unease, worry, anxiety, nervousness, tension, dread, phobia, and so on. This kind of psychological fear is always of something that might happen, not of something that is happening now."