Some good news today.

I have been slowly putting the pieces together about what is going on with me.  Through research, and several very wise women, I am getting confirmation that the horrendous way I have been feeling isn't all in my head after all.  One very large piece of the puzzle may be the medication that I am using, that I must use every single day.  I'm not going to get too medical-doctorly here and bore ya'll to tears, but suffice it to say that synthetic thyroid may give you only enough of what you need to exist, but not any of what you need to truly live.  I had a long conversation with my cousin Sherry today, and the answer to my prayers may just lie in getting my hands on some Armour thyroid.

So, it is back to the drawing board for me.  The quest starts tomorrow to find a doctor who will actually treat all of my symptoms, and not just the most obvious ones.

~Jenn

The strange among us...

There is a young man that has been going to my school slightly longer than I have worked there.  He is one of the most original human beings I have ever met.  I'm not sure that I have the talent to convey just how different he is.  About the best I can do is paint the picture of a verbal Lurch from the Addams Family.  You know how Lurch only grunted and sighed?  Well, Mark has a brain.  One that works overtime to try and make sense of the world around him. 

I figured out early on that this strange persona was a ruse; a wall, a way to keep the rest of us at about two full, Shaquille O'Neil arm's lengths.  His deep, stilted voice and odd mannerisms always seemed a cover.  There was no question in my mind that this individual had been hurt in a way that most of the rest of us can barely, and thankfully, only imagine.

Despite his off-putting ways, Mark had built a little family for himself in our classrooms.  Though his classmates may have found him to be odd, he was also treated like the harmless, dark older brother who may or may not have done too many drugs in the wooded area behind the local high school.  He had found a place where he was accepted for exactly who he was.

Three years in, though, may have been enough for him.  Maybe we all got just a little too close.  Maybe we saw just a little too much of the real Mark, the guy who has been buried for far too long underneath the earth, wrapped in a bunker of shame.  Just when we all finally felt like there may be a chance that this kid was going let a little light into his soul, he has seemingly imploded. My best guess is he came from a household almost completely devoid of love, but rich in judgment and resentment. 

He showed up to a performance last Friday, in front of about 70 people, drunk off of his ass.  He showed up to class tonight, drunk again, with slave written across his forehead and a 40 of some cheap beer I have never heard of.  I have a visual of him with a black sharpie in his hand, staring with drunken concentration into his mirror drawing slave across his own forehead, not even realizing he was writing it backward. 

Mark, wherever you are in Los Angeles tonight, I hope you know that you are worthy of better things.

~Jenn

Great resources...

I have to keep it short and sweet tonight.  I have been roped into something that I really don't want, but feel obligated, to do.  In the meantime, though, I would like to share with you two of the great sources of information that I have been pulling from lately.  I hope they feed you as much as they have me.

http://www.truthaboutabs.com/
The gentleman, Mike Geary, who runs this first site I have listed seems to be a pretty stand up guy.  I will grant you, the website looks like total cheese.  He is trying to get you to buy stuff, no question.  But, I have to tell you....I bought his down loadable book on food (what is healthy and what isn't) for only about $19.  It was over 110 pages, and every page is chock full of great info.  Not only that, but I'm now on his mailing list, and I get an awesome and informative email every 2-3 days.  In addition, he has tons of great stuff on the web page for free.  I consider it money truly well spent.

http://www.wholeliving.com/
This is the web page for the magazine "Body & Soul".  I truly wish I could afford to get a subscription for every woman I know, because I know that every woman I know would dig the hell out of it.  You know what I mean?  ;)

That's it for now, let's all hope we have a beautiful start to our week.

~Jenn

Whole foods...

I have been reading everything that I can get my hands on lately about food. Specifically, the things in our food that are killing us all slowly.  High fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, fillers, chemicals, dyes and the list goes on, and on.  The more I read about this stuff, the more outraged I get that we are being sold such poison.  Parents are feeding their children toxins and they don't even know it.  Toxins that will shorten their own children's lives.

For myself, I wonder how much this garbage has contributed to my health problems.  I can't help but think that had I been eating healthy, whole foods my entire life I would have never gotten Graves disease.  Therefore, Chris and I have been making the shift.  It is a big, difficult shift to make.  The first part of the process was our choice in grocery stores.  After dabbling with Trader Joe's for a few years, we finally made the plunge and switched to shopping there (and a bit at Whole Foods) rather than at our regular grocery store (Ralph's).  We're eating much more simply with meats, fruits, veggies and dairy.  I still eat too much bread, and I am still having weak moments when we go out, but it is a start.

The other huge benefit has been on our wallet.  I had no idea that we could save this much money.  5 very full bags of groceries, including 2 bottles of wine, for $110?  That is outrageously, ridiculously, awesome.

So far, so good, I just have to keep working to get my baser urges under control.  But, even if I'm cheating a little bit, at least I'm doing it with foods that aren't chock full of plastic chemicals and toxins.

~Jenn

A change gonna come...

We just got finished watching "Capitalism, A Love Story".  Structurally it wasn't Michael Moore's finest film.  However, much of the information in it is mind blowing.

For example, have you ever heard of something called "Dead Peasant" insurance?  Millions of people have life insurance policies that have been taken out on them without their knowledge, by their own employers.  Let me say that again.  By their own employers.  I'm not talking about just the upper-level management folks.  I'm talking about baggers at Wahl Mart.  Seriously?  Check out the list of companies that have participated in this abhorrent practice here:  http://www.deadpeasants.biz/.

Another eye-opener was an internal Citigroup memo from 2006 detailing (celebrating) how America, has turned into a modern day plutonomy.  In a plutonomy, according to Citigroup global strategist Ajay Kapur, "economic growth is powered by and largely consumed by the wealthy few".  Check out the actual memo here for a truly brain melting experience:  http://www.ibtimes.com/articles/20090907/citigroup-2006-americamodern-day-plutonomy.htm .

Those of you who have known me for awhile, and/or discussed politics with me, knows that I believe we are heading toward the French Revolution, part deux.  The more I learn, the more I can only say Viva la Revolution.

~Jenn

The rarity of complete, and completely beautiful, silence.

I live in Los Angeles.  Let's face it, L.A. is not the quietest city on the planet.  Add to that the ubiquitous electrical devices that we all have on, all the time, usually blaring.  "But, it goes to 11".

I also have a job that involves very lovely but needy (and loud) students pulling on my apron strings all day.  My boss is loud, my staff is loud, hell, I'M loud.  The sound of my own voice annoys me sometimes.  Even the voice in my head, that inner droning monologue, pounds on the inside of my skull, shrieking and over thinking everything.  Finally, my partner, my love and soul mate Christopher can sometimes literally drive me mad with his need to talk all the time.  We can't watch a show or a movie, and I can't even sit here to write this blog, without him happily chirping away about whatever thought is currently drifting through the transom of his mind. 

Sometimes I have little fantasies about becoming a monk.  What would it be like to live in complete silence all the time?  Sure, it would be boring at first, but I also think it would eventually lead to an amazing sense of peace.  Maybe it is up to me to take a little time every day, lock myself in my bedroom, and snatch a little bit of tranquility for myself.

~Jenn

Holding my breath...

....waiting for the good things to fall into place.  Waiting for the turn, the twist, the fork in the road.  Trying to dance on the wire and not fall, trying to do the right thing, trying to make the right choice. 

Have to look into the mirror, have to stand up for what's right.

Have to stand, have to fall, have to take it to the line.

Have to please but lead, have to make the sweet deal.

Have to love, have to stand, have to cram, have to jam.

Tell it, say it, play it, don't betray it.

~Jenn