Give it to God

I was reading some of Caroline Myss' "Anatomy of the Spirit" the other evening.  Specifically the chapter that talks about the 5th chakra.  Your 5th chakra is located in your throat, and with my thyroid issues I thought I should maybe have a look see what it was all about.  


Mental and Emotional Issues associated with the 5th chakra: Choice and strength of will; personal expression; following one's dream; using personal power to create; addiction; judgment and criticism; faith and knowledge; capacity to make decisions.


Primary Fears Fears related to willpower, including fear of having no power or choice, no authority within oneself, being out of control, and fear of Divine will.


Those 2 categories alone stopped me in my tracks.  It was like reading my own biography.


Myss says that the essence of 5th chakra is faith.  She calls us to surrender personal will to divine will.  This spoke to me in an almost unsettling way.  Give up control?  Me?  Well, how will my life possibly move forward if I don't spend every waking moment worrying about it?  If I don't bite my nails, smoke, grind my teeth and lay awake obsessively chewing over every decision, what horrible fate awaits me?  My entire body is strung taut, every muscle clenched with tension - do my muscles even know how to relax anymore?  On the other hand, the very idea of packaging up all of that stress and handing it over to someone much more capable than I to handle it almost makes me cry with relief.  


I told Chris a few days ago that, when I envision a happy life, it is pretty simple.  I see a quiet life doing yoga, meditating, reading, fellow shipping with friends and animals, creating with my hands, and cooking whole, healthy meals.  I also wouldn't mind giving up any worries about money, though I don't need riches.  I fantasize about that life, yet I do very little to create it.


I wonder, often, why I can't motivate myself to do the things that I know will bring me peace.  Therefore, I also found it interesting that the 5th chakra also demands forgiveness.  Not just of others, but of ourselves.  I have never had issue with forgiving others.  I rarely hold a grudge or even get truly angry with others.  But, for myself, there has been little forgiveness.  I have made a number of decisions that have long picked at my soul and has left an open, seeping wound that I fear may never heal.  I even have a hard time forgiving myself for the small, inconsequential things that most people can shrug off in an instant.  So, it stands to reason that I don't allow myself the things that will bring me peace...as, why offer aid to the enemy?


We had a prayer/meditation yesterday evening for the Gulf.  As I was asking God to please help, with a laundry list of who, what, and how she should do it, I remembered Myss' call to give it to God.  I spent a few moments quieting my soul, and with an attempt at faith, told her that her will be done.


I have hope that I can someday forgive myself, and trust in spirit enough to say with regularity "Thy will be done".  I believe then I might find the peace I am longing for.


Jenn