Forgive me...

....but I'm basking in the glow of the very idea that I may have insurance someday relatively soon.

You may, or may not, have an idea of what that means to someone like me.  A pariah like me, who has been shunned by insurance company after insurance company.  "Nooooooo", they say, whilst wagging a long, bony finger in my face, "Not yoooou.  Your money isn't welcome here.  You are one of those dirty types, one of those sickly types who needs...tests, and things."

In all seriousness, though, I am tired of half-assing it with this illness.  I am tired of self-medicating, guessing, and not calling the doctor when I should because my financial health allotment has run out for the month.  I am tired of wondering what the new ache or pain means, and scouring WebMD to see if they have heard of it.  I am tired of trying to be an expert when I haven't spent a single day in medical school.  And, I am tired of spending almost every spare dollar we have on doctors and medicines, rather than ever buying one new stitch of clothing; not to mention wearing the same pair of earrings every day for three years, going without make-up or ever getting my hair done.  It's hard to feel like a girl, I'll tell you.  I feel more like a petri dish that has been shoved in the corner of a lab somewhere gathering mold.

However, today gives me hope that my entire existance may not have to just be about survivial.  Someday soon I may be able to leave that in the hands of the professionals so that I can truly live again.  We'll see.  :)

~Jenn