A few quick updates...

Chris and I started P90X today.  Those of you who pray, please send one up for us.  ;)    As we go on with it, there will be more updates.

Minkland....totally stumped.  Every way I take it I am reminded of Alice in Wonderland.  So, I'm going to either let it breath or die, one of the two.

Quit smoking again today.  I have to stop calling it "quit", when I always trip my way back to it.  Currently not smoking?  How does that work?

I haven't been here because sometimes I bore my own ass off.  I guess I need to become more interesting if even I'm bored, huh?

Jernn

The rumors of my death...

...have been greatly exaggerated.


Ok, so no one said I'm dead.  But I have been off, on a lost weekend of sorts.  Not lost to me, though.  :)


I shut down, shut off, and unplugged.  It was pretty fantastic, and it is something I plan on doing with increasing regularity.  There is very little that one could argue for the 'productivity' of a life spent online.  


I have been reading a book that is slowly changing me, thanks to a wonderful friend (much love to Brigetta).  I made some soap, some jewelry, had lunch with a missed friend, dinner with another, worked out, and slept and dreamt fiercely.  The only thing I haven't gotten to, as I had wanted to, was writing more.  Minkland Part 3 is right there, hovering, but is not yet ready to be birthed.  


This is a short one tonight, because I have to, I am drawn and compelled to get back to this book I'm reading.  I hope, soon, that I will be able to share with you some of the concepts.


Much love,
Jenn

Minkland (Part 2)

The girl followed closely behind the squirrel-man.  With his advanced age, reliance upon a cane and tiny little legs, she had to be careful not to walk right over top him.  They walked in silence for a good while, which was fine with her as it gave her  time to gather her thoughts, and take her new surroundings.  The forest seemed familiar and unfamiliar all at the same time.  The trees were the largest things she had ever seen, with bark big enough to sleep in.  It seemed to her that whole neighborhoods would fit nicely into one trunk.  The leaves were also a marvel.  It was as though they had been hand dipped in mercury and each sparkled like mirrors in the sun.  What struck her the very most, however, was the comforting quiet.  There was no sound at all but their footfalls through the bracken.  Even the bird-cat had stopped its incessant call to come and silently flew overhead.  She felt herself settle into the peace of this land, and her soul sighed with pleasure.

Finally, she felt ready to speak.  She looked down at her new companion and asked, "What is your name?".  Without braking stride, he replied "They call me Garumph."  "Garumph?", she repeated.  "No, dear, roll the R.  Godddd-RUMF!"  She laughed, and tried again. "GODDDD-RUMF!"  "Brilliant!", he shouted.

They hadn't gotten very far, but Garumph indicated that he needed to rest.  They sat at the base of one of the giant trees, and he took out a tiny silver flask.  He gave her a sheepish grin, drank, and said "Goodly Paxroot, this is.  Keeps the auld bones greased, and the joints a'flexin."  She held out her hand, suddenly overcome with thirst, and he passed it over.  Once she figured out how to navigate the minute opening,  she took one long pull of the sweet elixir.  She felt  the warm wetness travel down her throat, burning through her torso like fire.  Garumph took this opportunity to return her question to her.  "Do you remember what you are called?", he asked.  "No."  She answered.  "I had been trying to think of it since I asked you your name, but nothing comes to me."  He thought on this for a moment, and it made him sad.  He couldn't contemplate not knowing his own denomination.

"Well, I have an idea, if I may.",  he said.  "Might you allow me the privilege and honor of bestowing upon you a new designation?  Just until you remember your given name, of course."  Excited by the idea, she agreed to it immediately.  He sat pondering for a long while, while rocking back and forth and forth and back on his seat made of root.  His brow furrowed into little knots, and his tiny eyes were shut tight in concentration. She grew tired with the anticipation, and found herself leaning forward until she slipped off of her own stem and sprawled on the ground in a heap.  Finally, at long last, his eyes sprang open and, with great reverence, he said, "Skyward.  You shall be called Skyward, as you are both a gift from the heavens and as tall as the trees."

She laughed, and looked above her at the trees which seemed to stretch for miles atop their heads.  "Well," she told him.  "I don't know if I'm as tall as all that, but I love it still.  Please do call me Sky for short, as I don't think I'm one for formalities."  "Sky, it is then", he responded, and waived his cane overhead as though to bless her.  Just then, there came a flutter from behind Garumph, and something burrowed through the leaves to his side.  A great, golden beetle poked his head out from beneath the foliage, and reached his tiny arms up to grasp the silver flask.  "Oh, my", said Garumph.  "I am so very happy you are here, Auric.  May it please you to meet my new friend, Sky".  Auric, once having had his fill of Paxroot, turned and gave a grand belch in her direction.  He then bowed with a great flourish, and trilled "Mayyy yoooou liiive to beee longed, longggg to beee liiived, and neveeer forrrget to daaaance attt miiidnight."  With that, he bowed again, and scuttled off to his home beneath the trees.

Garumph stood, shook himself from head to toe, and began walking again on his unseen path.  Sky followed quickly behind.  "How did you come to speak Minkish?", he asked her.  "Minkish?", she responded.  "Minkish", he repeated.  "The language of our land.  I'm curious how it came to be that you speak it.".  "I do not," she protested.  "I speak English."  He chuckled, a sound with which she was growing quite familiar, and said "My dear, you are speaking Minkish to me, as surely as I am six score and eight years old."  She quickly did the math in her head, and stopped dead in her tracks.  "YOU are 128 years old?", she demanded.  He turned to look at her, and smiled at her astonishment.  He leaned heavily upon his cane, and said "Friend Sky, you surely know how to make a fellow feel ancient.  Point of fact, there are ten more in my village who are at least two more score than I."  As if to prove it, he kicked up his heels and continued down the path.

They walked on, again in silence, for a half hour more, when they came to a pair of trees that formed an archway over the path.  A flutter of wings overhead was a reminder that bird-cat had been with them for every step of their journey.  She sailed in great swoops and furls and cried "Home, Home, Home!".  Sky and Garumph stepped out from beyond the forest canopy, and took in the world beyond.  She was overwhelmed by what she saw; hundreds of Garumphs, milling about their day and bustling through their tiny streets.  He, realizing how overwhelming it all was, took her great hand in his little paw, and said "Come, child.  Welcome to my home.  You will be loved here."


(To be con't)

Minkland, part 2

...is a works in progress, to be posted soooooon.  :)

Minkland (Part One)

She awoke to the sound of an incessant bleating in her ears.  She reached for the alarm clock which she somehow knew must be there, but there was none.  Instead of the audible peace she was after, she had grasped a fistful of what felt like enormous leaves.

Her eyes opened slowly  to the brilliance of the sun and, strangely, a canopy of leaves overhead.  She sat up and took a good look around to see what she could see.  "Hello.", said a voice behind her.  She turned with a start, but saw no one except an overly large squirrel peering at her quizzically, standing on the roots of one of the largest trees she had ever witnessed.  "Come, Come, Come", came a call from over her head, clearly the source of the annoyance that had awoken her.  She looked up and saw the oddest sight.  It had the head of a bird, and the beak of a bird, and blue feathers, not unlike a bird.  Yet, it had the body of a small, white, house cat and the beautiful, downy wings of a snowy owl.  The bird-cat had its head cocked, and a gaze that was unblinking on the girl.  "Come, Come, Come", it said again.

She shook her head, looked back up at the bird-cat, then shook her head again for good measure.  No matter, it was still there, staring its empty bird stare.  "Hello?", the voice said again from behind her.  She turned back around to see that the squirrel had crept closer.  But this was no squirrel at all, was it?  He was the smallest man she had ever seen.  Oh, to be sure, he had tiny buck teeth and a layer of short, coarse fur that covered him from his head down to his wee feet.  However, on the top of his fuzzy head he wore a small, very unsquirrel-like, brown fedora, and in his tiny right claw he clutched hard to the cane he leaned upon.  The cane was made of some kind of wood, and was clearly as old as he, but its shine spoke of the great care he took with it.  She goggled at him for the longest of times, mouth open like a trout, then slammed herself hard back against her bed of leaves.

"This is a dream", she declared loudly.  "You, and that bird thing, are not real, so I refuse to speak to you."  With her eyes shut firmly against the sun, she implored sleep to overtake her once more.  She heard the little man chuckle softly from somewhere off to the right. He cleared his throat, as if to collect himself, and said "Well, my dear, I do believe that was you just there, speaking to me."  She pursed her lips, and refused to say another word.

They stayed like this for a very long time, her splayed on the ground with arms folded firmly over her chest, and him patiently leaning on his cane.  They both somehow managed to ignore the bird overhead, who was yet beseeching them to come to some unknown place.  Finally, she opened one eye, saw that he was staring, and simply asked "What?".  "What, what?" he replied.  She sat up with a huff.  "What do you want?" She asked.  "Why are you still here and, worse yet, why are you staring at me?"  This time he laughed with a great rolling chitter that nearly knocked him off of his cane.  Had she not been so annoyed, she may have joined him in his great mirth.  "My sweet girl, I'm quite sure I can't help myself.  I have never, in all of my long days, seen a giant such as yourself.  You are simply a marvel."

She was rendered speechless at the absurdity of this, and put her head in her hands.  "I'm the marvel?" she thought.  "I have a bird-cat in the tree above me, and a squirrel-man talking to me with a jaunty cap on his head, and I am the marvel?"

Seeing her frustration, he sought to calm her with a question.  "Where are you from, dear?"  She gazed into his kind eyes, and with a small, girlish voice, replied "I don't know".  He tried again.  "Where are your people?", he asked.  She shook her head at him with a heavy sigh, and her eyes filled up with tears.  His brow furrowed in confusion, and he made one last attempt.  "Well, how did you get here?", he implored.  She began crying now, long, low, racking sobs that made her shake from head to toe.  "I tell you, I don't know!", she howled.  He hobbled to her side, and rubbed her arm with one elfin paw.  "Shhh, there there, my dear.  It will be just fine.  Hush yourself now."

Finally her tears dried up, and she managed to give him a little smile.  Just then, her stomach made a cry of its own, and loudly announced its desire for food.  He stepped back from her, and clapped his tiny hands with delight.  "I know just the thing!  My dear, you must come with me to my village, and break your fast with us.  My people will love you!".  Having no where else to go, and feeling weak with hunger, she reluctantly agreed.  "After all," she told herself, "what's the worst that could happen in a dream such as this?"

They wandered off together into the brush, with the bird-cat following overhead, calling "Come!  Come!  Come!."


(To be continued...)

Quick update...

...on the working out front.  I am three days in, and every muscle and nerve ending in my body is a a'quiver.  I not only did the treadmill today, but Chris and I played Wii stuff for hours tonight.  My arms feel like they are going to fall off my body and melt into the carpet.  I am hoping this is, in some way, preparing me for the P90X, but I dunno....friends are actually WARNING us about it.  They take one look at our pasty, overweight, 40 year old selves and, with a furrowed brow, say "Yeah, guys, umm.  That workout is pretty intense.  Let me know if you need any help."  I just know they are anticipating having to rush to our apartment and pick us both up off the floor.

I can't WAIT.  :)

Jenn

Coffee is no longer my friend. :/

I have always loved my coffee.  I used to drink pots of the stuff.  I am one of those freaks where 2 shots of espresso in my Starbucks didn't cut it, I needed to pay to add a third.

Well, apparently no longer.  About a year ago I put my coffee maker at home away to try and cut down on my obscene consumption of caffeine.  Since my only other coffee source was at my job, I have had very little of that sweet brown elixir since I was laid off.  Last Friday, I went back to my old job to help out, because the new manager who had been hired to replace me had already been fired.  While there, I had three cups of coffee in 4 hours.  By the time I was heading home I thought I was having a full scale panic attack.  Not heeding that warning, today I went to Starbucks and ordered my usual 3-espresso cafe mocha.  Well, I think I have finally learned my lesson.  There has been a 40 pound weight on my chest since 5 pm this afternoon that refuses to move.  My heart was racing for hours, and I've been having a hard time breathing.  It has been a virtual PARTY.  Looks like it is green tea for me from now on.  :/

In other news, I worked out today, so I did SOMETHING right for my poor little heart.  32 minutes on the treadmill and, as always, I felt great afterwards.  You'd think the endorphin high would draw me back in with regularity, but it is always a fight to stay motivated.  For my birthday, Chris ordered the P90X workout DVD's, and they are due to arrive sometime this week.  According to their advertisements, one should already be in relatively good shape before attempting the P90X.  Therefore, announcements on where to visit me and/or send flowers to the hospital may be forthcoming.  Stay tuned.  ;)

Jenn

Give it to God

I was reading some of Caroline Myss' "Anatomy of the Spirit" the other evening.  Specifically the chapter that talks about the 5th chakra.  Your 5th chakra is located in your throat, and with my thyroid issues I thought I should maybe have a look see what it was all about.  


Mental and Emotional Issues associated with the 5th chakra: Choice and strength of will; personal expression; following one's dream; using personal power to create; addiction; judgment and criticism; faith and knowledge; capacity to make decisions.


Primary Fears Fears related to willpower, including fear of having no power or choice, no authority within oneself, being out of control, and fear of Divine will.


Those 2 categories alone stopped me in my tracks.  It was like reading my own biography.


Myss says that the essence of 5th chakra is faith.  She calls us to surrender personal will to divine will.  This spoke to me in an almost unsettling way.  Give up control?  Me?  Well, how will my life possibly move forward if I don't spend every waking moment worrying about it?  If I don't bite my nails, smoke, grind my teeth and lay awake obsessively chewing over every decision, what horrible fate awaits me?  My entire body is strung taut, every muscle clenched with tension - do my muscles even know how to relax anymore?  On the other hand, the very idea of packaging up all of that stress and handing it over to someone much more capable than I to handle it almost makes me cry with relief.  


I told Chris a few days ago that, when I envision a happy life, it is pretty simple.  I see a quiet life doing yoga, meditating, reading, fellow shipping with friends and animals, creating with my hands, and cooking whole, healthy meals.  I also wouldn't mind giving up any worries about money, though I don't need riches.  I fantasize about that life, yet I do very little to create it.


I wonder, often, why I can't motivate myself to do the things that I know will bring me peace.  Therefore, I also found it interesting that the 5th chakra also demands forgiveness.  Not just of others, but of ourselves.  I have never had issue with forgiving others.  I rarely hold a grudge or even get truly angry with others.  But, for myself, there has been little forgiveness.  I have made a number of decisions that have long picked at my soul and has left an open, seeping wound that I fear may never heal.  I even have a hard time forgiving myself for the small, inconsequential things that most people can shrug off in an instant.  So, it stands to reason that I don't allow myself the things that will bring me peace...as, why offer aid to the enemy?


We had a prayer/meditation yesterday evening for the Gulf.  As I was asking God to please help, with a laundry list of who, what, and how she should do it, I remembered Myss' call to give it to God.  I spent a few moments quieting my soul, and with an attempt at faith, told her that her will be done.


I have hope that I can someday forgive myself, and trust in spirit enough to say with regularity "Thy will be done".  I believe then I might find the peace I am longing for.


Jenn

Not in a good place....

....but working through it.  Usually when you don't see me, it is generally because when I am in a bad place, I shut off much in the way of substantial communication.  Health issues, depression,disappointment in myself, not doing what I know I need to do to be a whole, healthy person all leads to me hiding out.  I guess because I judge myself so harshly that I expect others to do it as well.

So, please bear with me, I am trying to restart the good things and wrangle my self-defeating tendencies back under control.

Jenn

Will we be there?

If I turned my head
and called your name
If I bet the spread
and said "Let's wed"
would you be there?

If I raised my hands
and  praised your name
If I worked your lands
and built your brand
would you be there?

I fucking hate this poem
It's a total joke
I hate the rhyme
I hate the bloke
Because he won't be there.

But he is here.
And, he is there.
And, I don't hate
I just complicate
Because I won't be there.

Yet I AM here
And, so is he.
We fit like pods,
or so says god.
And, we'll be there.

Live Love Alive is a little stuck...

The company, I mean.  Here are the things that are sticking:

1. As I had mentioned before, I ordered the wrong size organza bags.  After multiple tries to contact the seller, I think I'm pretty screwed on that front.  I have to have some kind of packaging, so back to the drawing board to figure out what they will be.
2. I am waiting on my soap stamp, which is taking a little longer than I thought.  It is really cute, see the image below.  (FYI, the image was taken by the folks who made it for me, who also make soap).
3. The money grows ever tighter, and I still need:  more goat's milk, new packaging, some other odds and ends, and a sign for the market booth.  Oh, and not to mention, I haven't even started purchasing the soy candle wax and candle holders.
4. I still haven't received the L.A. Business Tax ID.

On the happy news front, I finally got the very late unemployment check and cashed it yesterday, and it was cause for celebration.  :)

Here is what the soap stamp will look like:

Pretty coolio, huh?  :)

Jenn

Birthday Weekend = Awesome. :)

Ok, first the only annoying part, because it just happened.  I started playing around with the layout of this blog about an hour ago, and MY GOD are the templates fugly.  Then I had a panic attack for the last 1/2 hour trying to figure how to get it back to normal so ya'll didn't think I was on crack.  Sheesh!

Ok, now the great.  The dinner Chris made for me on Friday was nothing short of miraculous.  Steak, sautéed shrimp, a small baked potato, and a chocolate birthday cake.  The cake had to wait until much later, though, because I was STUFFED. 

Then we got our fancy duds on and went to Joe's.  So much fun, so many missed faces, drinks, laughter and great games of pool.  Oh, and 2 virtual strangers bought me birthday drinks....I was so touched!

Needless to say, I was quite tipsy by the time we got home...Chris has some funny stories.  If he ever writes a blog, you can read 'em there.  ;)

Saturday we slept in, cleaned the house a little, and then picked up a friend that we hadn't seen in almost four years.  Greg is one of Chris' oldest friends, going back to middle school.  He had never been to Los Angeles, and never even seen the Pacific, so we took him to Venice beach.  There is an AMAZING Italian restaurant there called C&O Trattoria - it has, seriously, the best Italian food I have ever had in my life.  We had only been there once before, for my birthday 2 years ago, so it was serendipity.  Some other things to love about this place:  the waiters pass out the words to "That's Amore" every hour or so.  When "That's Amore" starts playing, all of the waiters stop what they're doing and walk around clinking glasses with us (because they awesomely get to drink too) as we're all singing.  They also have house chianti "on the honor system".  There are four stations around the room and you help yourself and let them know how many glasses you've had.  Oh, something else fabulous - because there is ALWAYS a lengthy wait to get in, and you have no where else to stand but on the sidewalk, they come and pass out steaming hot garlic knots, which are only the BEST THINGS I HAVE EVER PUT INTO MY MOUTH.  I hope I have adequately expressed the amazing and friendly atmosphere of this restaurant.  Not only is the food delectable, but it also has some of the happiest, best servers I have ever had the pleasure to be served by.   For those of you in the area, do yourselves the favor of checking them out:  http://www.cotrattoria.com/ .

Needless to say, after that build up, Greg had a wonderful time, and we had so much fun catching up with him.  Then, he culminated dinner by snatching up the bill and wishing me a happy birthday!  SO sweet.  Of course I said absolutely not, but he reminded us that it is a tax write off because he was in town for a convention, so we reluctently, but so gratefully, agreed.  Then we came back to our apartment, talked for hours more, and then he hit the hay on our couch.

Today was a nice catch-up, relaxing, resting kind of a day.  We watched 'The Road' tonight - well done, though not as good as the book and quite dark for a Sunday. 

Well, since I missed 2 blogs worth, please consider that the full report, and hopefully it wasn't too boring.  ;)

Tomorrow - back to soap making, working out, and I AM QUITTING SMOKING again, for the 400th time.  I think they say 400 is the charm, right?  Oh, and Greg was raving about the P90X workout (http://www.beachbody.com/product/fitness_programs/p90x.do?tnt=TNT_P90X-PLAC_B) - he said he had lost 2 pant sizes in a little more than a month, so we may try to see if we can find it used.  It sounds like quite the ass kicker, but that's what my big ass needs!

Jenn

40th. Birthday. Four Oh. 4 decades. Yeah.

Well, on the plus side I have made it this far.  Sometimes I wondered if I would or not.  Another plus is that my thirties weren't exactly a party.  What scares me about that, is I said those "EXACT" same words on my thirtieth birthday about my twenties, so I hope I'm not cursing myself.  Or, maybe I just need to shut the hell up and acquire a more positive outlook!

One thing that I know, without question, is I need to start treating myself one hell of a whole lot better if I want to see 50.  I need to quit smoking, for real and for done.  I need to drink a little less, go to bed a lot earlier, and do more things that are truly relaxing.  Like, wow, go on vacations again.  Or, even be able to afford a vacation.  Maybe make a little more money so that I can stress a whole lot less.  Meditate.  Eat better.  Ok, I just cracked myself up, because I'm starting to sound like an article in "Whole Living" magazine, formerly "Body and Soul", which I LOVE AND YOU WILL TOO, TRUST ME!

Anyhoodle, Chris took me golfing today, tomorrow is more soap making, and tomorrow night he is making me dinner (steaks!) and then taking me to a party that is being thrown for me at Joe's.  Joe's is a kick-ASS country bar, and it seriously has some of the coolest characters in all of Los Angeles.  I mean, women still wear their hair in bee hives, men have their ten gallon hats and ginormous belt buckles, and the clothes are AWESOME.  I get such a kick going there, because they have fun, they dance, they sing, and they don't give a whit what anyone thinks.  Yay for me.  :)

I hope you have a beautiful day tomorrow, too, and thanks for sticking it out with me on this here writin' blog this year.  :)

Muah!
Jenn

Oy, long and exhausting day....

Yes, I'm still up.  Today involved a lot of things, and none of them were making soap.  I'm going to hit the hay and get back to it tomorrow.

Well, the first day didn't go exactly as planned...

I decided to try a buttermilk powder instead of a straght up milk powder in my "Purple Cow" soap mix.  Who knew that buttermilk was so damn clumpy and sticky???  I had to get out the mixer, which then put a bunch of bubbles into the mix, so I'm not sure it turned out perfectly.  I need to let it age at least 1 day, if not 2, before I try it.  If it didn't work, no real loss, because I can just mill it into shavings and remelt it.  This is definitely trial and error and a big learning process!!!

As for the exfoliant I made today, I think it is perfect except one thing - I can't and won't use artificial colorings, and it seems as though natural colors are as rare as a damn unicorn.  The exfoliant is made from dead sea salt and 7 types of oils.  So, it smells great and will be heavenly for your skin but, quite frankly, it looks like gray nast.  Not something that will draw the crowds, knomsayin?  I need to learn how to make natural colorings before I make any more exfoliant.  Which will have the added benefit of being able to also color my soaps.

So, that's the first day of Live Love Alive.  Not a barn burner, but a start nonetheless.  Tomorrow I'm going to make the "Sweet Tea" soap - a fine combo of chamomile, green tea butter, honey, and jojoba oil with a lemon/peppermint scent.

Here is a picture of all of my supplies gleaming on the shelf:

Jenn

Tired, but excited.

I received my soap bases today - 42 pounds worth.  Tonight's blog is just this - tomorrow begins a brand new day, and I'm happy.  :)

Jenn

Random thoughts

The fog is rolling in tonight.  It makes the lights on the buildings around us sparkle like newly forged stars. 

Los Angeles can't decide whether it is warm or cold, or barren or humid.  I still haven't adapted to that Los Angeles concept of 'dressing in layers'.  So, I sit this evening in fleece pants and thin cotton tee to make up the difference.

I miss my parents, especially my pop.  I called him last Monday and thanked him for his service to our country.  It seemed a slight gift to give to one who has contributed a lifetime of service; to his country, to his family, and to his wife and children.  If you knew him, you would know what I meant by separating 'family', from 'wife and children'.  It is because he supported and raised all of his ten brothers and sisters before he ever got to us.  My father started working at 9 years old, and has never stopped supporting those around him.  To this day, he is still taking care of his brother who has schizophrenia.  I only wish I had half the strength of him, half the integrity, and half the spine.  He is a marvel.  When he goes, the world will be a darker, less honest place to live.

Chris and I attended a play tonight, called "Café le Monde".  Call me self-centered, but as always I sit and watch plays now saying to myself, "I should be up there, why aren't I up there?"  It rarely is because the players aren't good; more often it is just because I miss it dearly.  It is as though someone cut off my limbs, and I am slithering across the floor looking for the parts.  Or, to be less morbid, I just plain miss it so.

Jenn

The Sunlight and Mr. Puss

She walked through the forest, looking for the sun.  It had been days since she saw it, and still she saw none.  It was then she grew tired, and wept without care; it was then she was mired in her own blasé faire. 

She slept for awhile, for the first time in days.  When she awoke, she decided to pray.

"Help me, dear presence.  Help me, old soul.  Tell me what sweet lamp will fill up my oil."

Just then she heard him, and looked all around.  His eyes were aglow as he whispered her sound. He hissed her name.  "Sweet Mary", he said.  She knew him with instinct, she knew his great head.

"Why, hello, there cat." She sang, in E flat.  "Hello Mr. Puss.  You big old cougar, you old sweet cuss."

He purred without care, and tumbled around.  He showed his large belly, and pawed at the ground.

Finally, he stood, and majestically said, "Sweet Mary, sweet Mary, you've lost your head.  Look you, dear soul, look you right there.  The sun, it awaits, if you'd just have a care. She's been waiting for you, many a day.  Sweet Mary, sweet Mary, just walk that way."

She did look, just as he asked.  She looked and she marveled, as it sparkled like glass,  Just round the bend, just over the hill, the sun showed her light and gave her her fill.

She gasped, and turned, to thank that big cat.  He was gone on a whisker, without even a pat.   He had left a gold trinket, right there on the ground.  She took it and read it, and laughed quite out aloud.

"Sweet Mary", it said, "always be true.  Stay on the path and you cannot be blue."

I don't need to wait until later to post...

....that today has been a pretty crappy day.  Definitely some setbacks:

I received the colored sheer organza bags that I was going to sell the soap in.  They are adorable but, problem is, I unknowingly ordered the wrong size.  I wrote to the company and I'm waiting to hear back to see if they'll let me switch for larger bags.  I hope so, because I spent $60.  :(

I have been paid exactly one unemployment check, of less than $500, in the over 1 month since I was laid off.  I called them last Saturday and they were supposed to send a new claim form (to replace the one I had forgotten to sign), of which I still haven't received.  I called them again today, and I was told I just have to wait until it gets here.  I am so stressed about money right now, agggghhhhhh.

I had ordered $37 worth of what I thought was powdered goats milk.  It arrived today and, as it turns out, I ordered evaporated instead of powdered, which I can't use.  Luckily, I had ordered it from the wonderful, customer-service-oriented, Amazon.com, so they gave me a full refund and they don't even want the goats milk back.

I broke a glass in the sink.  Some of the shards went down into the disposal, and I cut the crap out of my fingers trying to dig it all out.

Do you see a pattern here?  My dumb azz is making mistakes right and left.  I am really displeased with my own performance right now.  I think I'll fire me.  :'(

Jenn

Long, busy day...

I'm exhausted, so here's a short recap:

Worked out, 31 minutes on the treadmill.

Worked out again by doing a deep, deep cleaning on the kitchen and "library".  Who knew your heart could race by washing the kitchen floor by hand?

Organized all of the soap supplies that have been trickling in.

Brushed the cat....another workout, trust me.

Made dinner. 

*fell over* 

Working out again, finally...

On Sunday I did Wii Fit for over an hour.  Today I was on the treadmill for 32 minutes.  It is amazing how moving your body results in an an almost immediate increase in energy, better mood, and overall feeling of well being.  May I remember this, even when I'm tired, even when I'm not seeing the immediate results I want, and even when I just don't feel like it.

On another note, allow me to marvel at the kindness of folks I have never even met.  In the last year I have received beautiful gifts from two very good on-line friends.  I feel blessed to have been shown such love, and I hope to be able to return the blessings that I have been given.  Thank you Brigetta and Kelsey.

Jenn

The Power of the Mind.

Chris and I watched a documentary on Clint Eastwood tonight - who turned 80 yesterday, by the by, and what more appropriate day for him to do so than on Memorial Day?  You can tell that the documentary was made very recently, as it even included his recent movie Invictus.  What struck both of us is how sharp he still is, both in mind and body.  It got us talking about why that is.  Why is Clint in so much better shape than many others who are 10, 20 or even 40 years younger?

My theory is that Clint seems fully present in the now.  When you hear him speak, he does not lament, he does not regret, he does not worry and stress.  He just is.  He accepts that everything has happened, and will happen, regardless of how much or little he tears himself up over it.  I'm not sure I have the capabilities to convey just how much I admire that in someone.  I, up until now, have been fully the opposite.  I regret decisions I made years ago.  I spend time wondering if, had I made better, more healthy choices in my life, could I have prevented my illnesses?  I ruminate for hours on what the future holds, and what I'm not doing right that may effect the outcome for ill.  I spend more time fretting about not working out than actually doing it.  I live most of my life in stress - about money, about family, and about what people think of me.  Chewing my nails down to nubs and smoking are two physical manifestations of the turmoil that is raging within me.

I fully believe that the mind is so powerful,  it can ultimately destroy you from the inside out if not kept in check.  I have no doubt that the sickness in my body has resulted from the sickness of my brain.  Though I have worked for years to quiet these inner demons, I realize I am not home yet.  I can only continue to try.

Happy belated, Clint, and thanks so much for so many years of wonderful entertainment!

Eckhart Tolle:

"Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are cause by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence"

"When you are present, you can allow the mind to be as it is without getting entangled in it. The mind in itself is a wonderful tool. Dysfunction sets in when you seek your self in it and mistake it for who you are"

◦"The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive. To put it more accurately, it is not so much that you use your mind wrongly—you usually don't use it at all. It uses you."

◦"The psychological condition of fear is divorced from any concrete and true immediate danger. It comes in many forms: unease, worry, anxiety, nervousness, tension, dread, phobia, and so on. This kind of psychological fear is always of something that might happen, not of something that is happening now."

Remember, Remember.

For almost 234 years men and women of all races, creeds, national origins, and sexual, religious and political orientations have fought and died for the rights and freedoms the rest of us so often take for granted.  On this day, let us give thanks for their sacrifice, and honor their memory.

Ok, I'm ready to talk about it.

I have ordered the soap bases (42 pounds worth).  I ordered 5 more kinds of essential oils.  12 cans of dried goats milk, and three cans of dried buttermilk.  1,500 cards, and 100 magnets from Vistaprint.  Decorative sheer organza bags in purple, green and gold.  Dead sea salt and latch lid canning jars for exfoliants.  The other day I picked up dried lavender and chamomile from a chinese herbalist, along with almond, jojoba and avacado oils.  The only thing I am missing is labels.  I still don't know if I am going to try and print them myself, or if I will go to a printer.  Oh, and I also need to have a large sign made for display at the farmers' markets.  Oh, and I need to pick up sales bags. 

The other piece of the puzzle is the farmers' markets themselves - how do I forge that path, how much does it cost, do I need to own my own table, etc?

On the good money news front, I contacted my credit card company on Thursday and they are freezing my account due to the layoff - no interest and no payments due for up to 24 months.  I also called and got a cheaper monthly rate for my car insurance.

On the bad, I found out that I STUPIDLY forgot to sign my unemployment form, so I have to wait another week for the check.  Yeah, great time to do dumb things like that!

Dear readers and friends, please send some good vibes, prayers, wishes or whatever you've got my way, because I have placed myself on quite the tightrope.  Many thanks in advance for your kind attention. 

Jenn

Expenses.

I have just spent about 40% of all the money I have in the world on soap supplies, business cards, and the like.

I'm freaking out.

The end.

Avatar

Chris and I watched Avatar tonight.  I know, I KNOW we are the last two people on earth to watch it.  I really enjoyed it, though at first I really wasn't giving over to it.  The movie is so CG heavy that I was completely distracted for at least the first hour.  When I finally settled in though, I really enjoyed myself and I loved the message.

I didn't bring the movie up to review it, however.  There are people far better than I that do that for a living.  What I want to talk about is the furor that occurred back when the movie was released.  I recall reading and hearing about hordes of people lamenting, crying and even wanting to kill themselves due to their deep depression because they wished that Pandora and the Navi were real.  Really?  Seriously, folks?  Hey, don't get me wrong, there are plenty of alternate realities that I have read about in books or seen in movies that I have dreadfully wanted to exist and wished that I could vacation there.  But, sorry, Pandora DOES exist...it's called earth.  The Navi DO exist...better known as native Americans and other indigenous cultures.  The killing of the Navi and their animals, and the raping of their lands is exactly what has gone on practically since the beginning of time, and it is still happening as I type this. 

Since we Americans use up roughly 24% of the world's resources, yet we only comprise 5% of the population, it is safe to assume that we are the ones who James Cameron was thinking of as he wrote his militaristic, money-grubbing bad guys.  For those of us who pine over Pandora, yet ignore that we are party to destroying our own environment, it may be time to wake up and face a very serious reality.

Progress. Ok, a minute amount of progress...

So, here's a status update for the Jenn goals:

Live, Love, Alive (Organic Soaps and Candles):  applied for the business tax ID.  Applied for a DBA to reserve my "Live, Love, Alive" name in the city of L.A. Printed up the seller's application so that I can apply California taxes, which is quite involved so it is just in "print" status right now.  ;)  Spent $100 in a Chinese herbalist shop today for specialty oils and dried lavender and chamomile.  Going to spend A LOT more than that tomorrow buying soap bases.  Oy.  Hopefully my unemployment monies don't completely run out!  :ol   I would LOVE to get down to the brass tacks of making some ever-lovin' soaps soon!  On the plus side, I still have a $75 gift card from Michaels where I will purchase my soap wrappings.  I can't buy the soap bases there as their prices are OUT OF CONTROL at three times the cost of http://www.candlewic.com/.

Doctor and thyroid issues:  he agreed today that my prescribed armour meds were not high enough, which I could have told him withOUT the $153 blood test, considering I have gained about 10 MORE pounds in the last month.  Like I need to get even FATTER.  *sigh*  Anyway, happy that he agreed, and we are not only raising the levels, but he is allowing me to order my meds from a company in Canada, where I can get them for considerably cheaper.

Working out and quitting smoking.  Um.  Let's not talk about that just yet.  :/

Cutting overall expenses:  I still need to contact Chase regarding my credit card.  I have been paying, for years, for astronomical insurance that should cover me if I am laid off.  Well, now I've been laid off, so they had best cover my butt.  I need to also find cheaper car insurance, cheaper cell plans, and possibly cut cable out completely.

Acting:  Well, I am going to do a short in a little over a week.  I am ashamed of how I look, and I hate the idea of being on film.  However, I am still as confident as ever in my acting abilities, and that has to count for something, right?

On the plus side, almost all of our TV shows are ending for the season (Fringe, American Idol), or forever (24), so I will have even more time to spend doing productive things rather than being a couch vegetable.

Finally, I want to clean every inch of this apartment.  We have too much shite, too much clutter, and I cannot bear it anymore.

Huh.  Just a few things there, right??!!  ack!  lol

Jenn

The Old Man by the River

I went down to the river to pick some rocks for my newly planted garden.  I had planted parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme in honor of those nebbishly handsome singers I heard on the radio that one time.  When I arrived at the river, I met a man.  He was a bent and beaten old soul, with whiskers where his eyebrows should be, and what looked like an eyebrow right beneath his nose.  "Jenn", he said.  "Jenn, you were a beautiful queen once, weren't you?"  Though I was taught firmly and with harsh judgment by my mother never to speak to strangers, I decided I liked the look of this man and gave him a straight answer.  "Yes", I said, in my best, most haughty tone of voice.  "What be it to you, old man?"  "Be nothing to me but that I couldn't help but notice the rags.  The ones on your feet.",  he replied.  I tried, and utterly failed, to shuffle my feet behind the nearest rock, but the damn thing barely rose above the smallest toe knuckle.  So, instead, I stamped the ground with one raggy foot and huffed "I say again, what be it to you, you old, miserable thing?"

He stared at me for the longest of times, then whispered so soft I had to lean in close to hear. "Well, my dear", he said, "if you must know, at one time I was your closest companion.  I was there when you entered this world, I was the one you whispered your dreams to in the darkest of nights, and I was also there the day you forgot my face and could no longer remember my name.  Might you remember me now?"

I gaped, mouth open like a trout, and breathed.  In and out, out and in.  I did know this man, but t'was no man at all that stood before me, now was he?  This was a specter, a phantom in man form, this was my very own spirit and soul that stooped before my eyes.  I ran-walked to the nearest tree and threw myself behind it, if only to leave his unblinking gaze for a brief few moments.  Blessed respite, that tree, as his eyes had been burning directly into mine until they liked to dry up and blow away in a green poof of dust.

Many hours passed until I had the courage to finally call out.  "Are you still here?" I squeaked.  His answer was immediate and firm.  "I have never left", he declared.  Another hour passed as the sun made her way across the horizon, and I found the will to ask yet another question.  "A queen, you called me.  A beautiful one.  Do you have the answer as to why my feet are now bound by rags?   Do you know what has happened to the magnificent castle I once called home, as I cannot remember much of that time at all". 

His answer seeped into me, right through my skin, through my organs and into my bones.  I heard him in my head as if I were the one speaking it, as if we were again one.  He said "My beautiful Jenn, you cannot abandon your dreams, spirit and soul as you have without there being consequences.  These things cannot be left behind lest you lose your way.  Do you recall the visions you shared with me?"

"Yes, I think maybe...", I answered tentatively.  "I can just perhaps see them through the murk, though they seem so very long ago, and far, far away."

"Hold tight", he said.  "Shut your eyes, and hold tight to that fancy.  Don't let it go now. I want you to sle..."

Sleep overtook me and I saw it all again, like it was when I was young and filled with the future.  I danced, laughed, ran, and jumped.  I climbed the very tree I was resting against and tickled the leaf of the top-most branch.  My spirit did great leaps of joy, running beside me in the sand with the wind tearing wildly at our hair.  I threw myself into the icy water and floated down the stream, remembering, remembering, remembering all that I had been and wished to be.

I awoke slowly and realized with no great surprise that I was wet from head to toe.  I stretched out in the grass and let the warmth of the sun kiss away every droplet of water.  Finally, I sat up and peeked out from behind the tree, to try and see the man that I knew was no longer there.  In his stead, on a rock in the very place he had been standing, was the most beautiful red slippers I had ever seen.  I slowly unwrapped the rags from my feet and, with great care and reverence, stepped into my new shoes.  I wound my way back up the path to return to my modest little cabin, when I beheld an amazing sight.  Just beyond my tiny hovel, a short walk down the road, towered a radiant castle.  I began to laugh with the knowing; my new eyes were wide open and I could again see what lay before me in vivid color.  I finally understood that it had been there all along.

Well, well, well....

What in the world???!!!  Where the hell have I been?

Well, let's see.  First of all, I am a reeeeeally bad blogger.  The whole idea is that you share what you're thinking, right?  Yeah.  Problem is, I haven't felt much like sharing.  I have been trying to figure out my role in the world.  I have definitely been struggling with a little depression and some foul moods.  Poor Chris, is all I'll say about that.  ;)

What I have been up to:  sleeping, cooking fabulous meals, reading (mostly about soaps and candles), seeing the doctor once a week, getting into online arguments about politics (stupid thing to do, I know), lots of corporal cuddling with the Queen of Mean (Jada), playing video games (yes, I know I'm going to be 40 in less than a month - so?), and, most importantly, getting ready to start my own company making organic soaps and candles (named "Live, Love, Alive - natch!).  I made my first official batch, called "Orange Oatmeal Creamsicle" and, I must say, it makes for a pretty darn nice bar of soap.  Oh, and last weekend Chris and I went to a free taping of Bill Maher's show, and the next night we also saw the Tigers play at Dodger Stadium.  Sweeeeeeet.

What I have not been doing:  blogging (duh), working out, dieting, successfully quitting smoking, writing, or generally doing very many of the things that I set out to do when I decided to write this damn thing.  So, this week is a time to get my shite back together.  Starting this morning, I am setting the alarm again, getting up and getting going.  After all, I have two very important things on my plate right now - starting a new company, and also making sure I'm healthy enough to handle it.

Wish me luck, please, I need it!  Thanks Judy, for the encouragement.  <3

Jenn

I've been a bad blogger...

...however, I have been very good to myself.  I quit smoking on Sunday.  I have also been getting tons of rest as, after all, this is only my second week of "vacation" since Feb 2007.  I decided to allow myself one week to rest and play, eat, laugh, sleep and putter, and next week I will be back on the job of figuring out my life.  I include this blog in that scenario, as well.

Many thanks for your patience.  :)

~Jenn

Tomorrow.

New road,
journey
beginnings

when the curtain
opens and
I'm not there.

I must
build
my own stage.

I'll buy the wood
nails
hang the lights.

When I
set the risers
and line the seats

Will you be there?
More
importantly,

Will I?

Let the sounds
of my soul
jangle

Like the
Edge
on a fret?

Must crack
open
my ribcage

Share my
beating heart
before it loses

the song.

Wow. Relearning how to relax is hard.

Hi all.  :)

Well, Thursday was my last day.  It won't truly sink in that I'm not just on vacation for at least a few days.  Thursday was the very definition of bittersweet.  While I was tremendously relieved to finally put the stress behind me, I am also heartbroken to know that I won't be with my staff, faculty and students anymore.

In the meantime, Judy, you were so right.  I have been so stressed, tense and strung out that I have absolutely no physical or emotional memory of what it means to relax.  Since Thursday I've been a ball of tension trying to plan every little thing I need to do.  Therefore, I am making myself wait to make any plans for at least a week.  I even let myself take a nap today, and it was pretty wondrous.  :)

~Jenn

This Blog Will Continue Its Regularly Scheduled Programming Very Soon...

Its author is currently busy with a hugely life changing event and will fill you all in soon...

Children of my children's children.

Children
of my children's
children.

Who
have
you become?

Do you have love
and
do you give it?

Have you
learned to
forgive?

Let live?

Children,
my children
May you be blessed

With greater wisdom
than we
who came before.

May your souls
soar,
and your imagination

Sing.

Oh, sweet spirits.
Oh,
sweet dreams

These children's
children's
children are.

1 more week...

...and the reboot begins.  They say if you don't like how your life is turning out, then change it.  I don't like how I feel, I don't like how I look, and I don't like the choices I have made.  But, I do love me and I know that I deserve better.  So, I'll start with that and see where it takes me.

"Don't ask what the world needs; don't ask what others think you should be doing with your life. Instead, ask yourself what makes you come alive--because, more than anything else, what the world truly needs are men and women who have come alive." - Dr. Wayne Dyer

~Jenn

Relax. Reeelaaaxxx.

My good friend Judy reminded me that all of my to-do lists and plans mean absolutely nothing if I can't relax and enjoy the ride.  That is so true, but occurs to me that I have completely forgotten how.  I have had exactly one week of vacation in three years.  My whole life has turned into: 1.  What do I need to do.  2.  What am I not doing.  3.  How can I do it better.

Sad.  I have completely forgotten how to just be - right here, and right now, in the moment.  It has lead to where I am now - tense all of the time, anxious, nervous, never truly happy or satisfied, and every muscle wound as tight as a drum.  My shoulders and neck feel like they are ready to snap into pieces.  Hell, even the things that are supposed to be relaxing have become a chore.  I actually get uptight if I haven't read through Facebook, or posted here on the blog.  I promise you I am not a type A personality, so where this is coming from I have no idea.  I guess one of my first tasks is to find out and let it all go.

The first order of business is to learn how to breathe again.  To learn to just sit and enjoy whatever I am doing, wherever I may find myself.  To turn off, shut down and listen to the beautiful silence.  To find my soul again. 

Thank you, Judy, for the very timely reminder.   <3

~Jenn

The verge.

I have spent most of today both out of it, and on the verge of tears.  I am such a crazy, effed up mixture of relieved and tired, my psyche and body don't know what to do.  For so long I feel like I have held myself together with the psychological and physical equivalent of chewed up gum and a toothpick. 

I am now on the cusp of getting real, honest-to-god medical help, as well as a little time off affording me some space to get my shite together.  I have been so strung out, for so long, that I will have to be very careful not to completely fall apart after next week. 

The first orders of business are:

1. Quit smoking.  Again.  (Yes, again).  Like, next weekend.
2. Getting my Amour thyroid levels right
3. Addressing the adrenal fatigue
4. Once 1 - 3 are under way, I should hopefully have enough energy to work out again
5. Eating ONLY whole, healthy, organic foods

Once I feel like a human being again, and somewhat like Jennifer Lester again, it will be time to figure out what the hell I wanna' do with my life.  I hope that includes, in some way, helping others who have found themselves in that same bad, dark place that I have been in.  I would love nothing more than showing others the way out of the darkness.

~Jenn

Dr. Amazing.

That's the name I have given my new doctor.  He is a miracle.  He listens, pays attention, wants to know how I feel rather than reading charts and graphs, and seems truly invested in helping me.  This man actually EMAILS me, back and forth, to talk about solutions and ideas.  Such a rare, rare thing.

My free T3 report confirmed what I, and he, already knew - which is that I have a critically low amount of T3 in my body.  Tomorrow I will be getting a prescription for Armour thyroid...natural, dessicated thyroid rather than synthetic.  I cannot wait, can not WAIT, to see how I'm feeling in a few days, a week, a month.  Next stop....adrenal repair!

It is a miracle and a blessing to know that there is finally a light at the end of this long, long tunnel.

~Jenn

A quote.

Tired tonight, so I'll simply share:

Dr. Wayne W. Dyer:  "To balance your life with more lovingness, you need to match your thoughts and behaviors with those of your Source, being love in the way that God is. This means noticing when you're inclined to judge yourself or others as though you or they are unworthy of love. This means suspending your need to be right in favor of ...being kind toward yourself and others, and deliberately extending kindness everywhere. This means giving love to yourself and others rather than demanding love. This means your loving gesture of kindness is heartfelt because you feel love flowing from within--not because you want something in return. A tall order? Not really, unless you believe that it's going to be difficult."

Oh, beautiful soul.

I see you,
you there,
you, sweet, sweet soul.

Your honesty, whispers
it tells me
of that I did not know.

An energy
is shared, of
hands held and meld.

May you tell
your story,
you teller of tales.

Instruct me,
remind me,
of what and why

and

who
and where, let me in,
let me inhale

let me breathe
and soak you
in.

Soap.

I forgot to tell ya'll that I took a soap making class on Saturday.  I now know how to make organic candles and soap.  This stuff is so easy, it is a crime that we pay as much as we do just to be clean and illuminated.  I learned how to make rose water, bath salts, exfoliants, soap, herbal soaps and oatmeal soap.

Now I just need a little time off and some wherewithal, and mama's gonna start her own business.  Just you wait. :)

~Jenn

To know that you're loved and supported...

...is such a powerful thing.  We had a party tonight for students, potential students, and former students, etc.  So many people were coming up to me begging me not to go, and telling me that the school wouldn't be the same without me.  It is so nice to know that you have affected people, changed them and gave them a good, positve experience.  It makes all of the hard work, blood, sweat and tears worth every moment.  :)

~Jenn

Words to live by.

This quote:

"No one can create negativity or stress within you. Only you can do that by virtue of how you process your world." - Dr. Wayne Dyer

I have someone* in my life who, for weeks, has been using the most extreme forms of guilt manipulation.  This person has even used other people who are close to me to try and pressure me to doing his bidding. Today I informed him that I refuse to own his issues.  I said "no".  I used the power of no to say I am my own person, my opinion counts, my needs are important, my health is vital, and I have the right to say no to anything that may compromise my well being.

Then, magically, the stress that I had been feeling about the situation began to dissipate.  I have to remember this, and learn from it.  The stress that I was under was 1000% mine, and all because I previously said yes when I meant no.

No, no, no.  I'll have to get used to the sound of that.

~Jenn

*Not Chris, if anyone is wondering.

The adventure got less adventurous, but just for awhile.

Well, the blog has taken a turn for the last little while.  I've been tapped out physically, emotionally and spiritually.  My goal is to get the physical part back together, and the emotional and spiritual is due to follow.  I do apologize, though, that it has become quite mundane in the meantime.  I wish it to be just a short turn in the road before I get back to myself creatively. 

In the meantime, this woman inspires me:  http://www.aimeemullins.com/about.php .  Nothing gets in her way.  I want to learn from that example.

~Jenn

Butt kicking week...

I am tapped out, so I apologise, but I ain't got much tonight. 

Here's a great quote:

"You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull"

I don't smile nearly as much as I used to, but I am taking some serious steps to get back the laughter.  I hope you all have something to smile about every day. :)

~Jenn

I saw the doc today...

...and, he may just be the man of my dreams.

He is totally on board with using natural thyroid, and he wants to address my adrenal fatigue asap.

I may just be back on track before I know it.  I cannot express in words just how excited and relieved (not to mention, thankful) I am to find a doctor that truly wants to be a partner in recovery.  :)

~Jenn

Ugh. McDonald's.

Puke.

I got off of work almost an hour late (10:30 PM).  By that point, Chris didn't want to cook for us, and I'm exhausted, so we did McDonald's.

That crap is just nast.  The more I eat good, healthy food, the more nasty fast food gets.  I feel greasy, nauseous and I'm pretty sure a spontaneous zit just eruped on my chin.

Even the Diet Coke tasted god awful.  I am just a few weeks in to cutting out all soda, and I cannot believe how gross it already tastes.  I used to live on Diet Coke!

Next time we feel it neccessary to go through a drive through, I'm making the smart choice and sticking with the salad.

~Jenn

Lawd, give me the strength...

As tiring as last week was, this week may very well kill me.  I am going to have to operate at a dead sprint at work all week long.  Well, let's be real, that is usually how it is there, but this week is going to be a special kind of crazy:  training my replacement, planning a huge party for Sunday with probably over 200 attendees, a number of potential students need I-20's so that they can apply for student visas (not a quick process, by any means), right along with the 100's of other "normal" things that I have to get done in any given week.  Next weekend won't be much better, because we have stuff planned every day.  ugh.  I hope I find a way to survive until I'm laid off, and then I'll just sleep for a week straight.

On the plus side, I have my doc appointment on Tuesday, and I already have all of my paperwork ready to go.  Hopefully I have finally found the right doctor that can actually treat the multiple medical issues I have, and maybe then I will actually have energy to tackle all the rest of life's craziness!

~Jenn

Recovery weekend.... (lost weekend?)

Sorry for the lack of blog yesterday.  You know you're getting old when you're asleep on the couch on a  Friday night by 11:30 pm.  Especially when that is only two hours after you got off work.  :/

So, I slept 13 hours.  Yep, that's right, I said thirteen.  Hours.  Clearly this week kicked my ass, almost to the breaking point.  I woke up this morning feeling much like a brand spankin' new person.  Thank god for Saturdays.

Spent the rest of the day getting my paperwork ready for the doctor, and cleaning years of mail and other nonsense off of my desk.

Tomorrow:  taxes.  Sleep, cleaning, taxes and paperwork.  If that ain't a sexy weekend, I don't know what is.

~Jenn

Why aren't there 48 hours in a day...

...and why do our bodies require so much damn sleep?  Especially my lazy, imperfect body?

I have so much to do.  I am being pulled in so many directions right now, I don't know whether I'm coming, going or sleepwalking.

More than once I have fantasized of acquiring a superpower wherein I could lie down for 2-3 hours max, then leap out of bed, refreshed and ready to tackle the day.  Oh, the things I would accomplish!

Barring that, may "they" please get this cloning thing truly underway, so that I am afforded the opportunity to bark orders to two or three maxi-me's in order to get it all done with ease?

Don't think it has escaped my notice that I don't even have children.  I can't fathom trying to fit them in along with all of the other crap.  A little, fluffy meow-child is about all I have the time or energy for.

Well, as Scarlet so aptly noted, tomorrow IS another day.

~Jenn

Love.

When I am this tired, this devoid of energy, the only way I know to refill is to remember all of the love in my life.

The love of my life, Chris.

The love of my furry daughter, Jada.

The love of my family.

The love of my inherited family.

The love of my friends and co-workers.

The love of my on-line family that I have been cultivating for almost 8 years.

The love and passion of my students.

No matter the physical, emotional, and spiritual pain I may be in, I have been blessed in my life to be surrounded by so much love.  <3

~Jenn

An incredibly long, tiring day

I was training people from 10:30 this morning until 9:45 pm tonight.  Training people is exhausting.  It is such an outpouring of energy and focus to make sure they are with you and getting it.  Plus, I was having to talk all day long, so my voice sounds like I swallowed a frog.

One of the people I trained today was my replacement.  Man, is it weird to train someone to take my place at a job where, despite its downsides, I have really loved.  Weird, weird, weird.

I hope I know what I'm getting into!!!

~Jenn

Oh, happy day...

I don't have a blog tonight, I am only going to share with you the joy of my first step to health freedom.  Behold the letter I received today:

"Hi Jennifer,

Thank you for your email. I do have experience with prescribing patients with natural thyroid hormone. I also work with patients that have adrenal issues as well. Since it seems like your issues will be ongoing, follow-up visits would be $75 per visit. I can also provide additional testing that may pinpoint the extent of your adrenal problems. I work with a company that specializes in adrenal issues as well as issues with brain chemistry. I can provide you more information at your initial visit. I can also provide an initial osteopathic structural evaluation which may show certain structural dysfunctions that may be contributing to your problems. I look forward to your visit on the 13th.

Sincerely,

Dr. Lloyd"

My heart is swelling.  I can't tell you the joy this letter brought to me.  <3

~Jenn

What do I wanna be when I grow up?

I've spent the last three hours sitting here at the computer surfing around checking out school programs.

Problem is this:  I'm going to be 40 years old this year, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I absolutely love the idea of getting a Masters in theater at UCLA.  I can't imagine a happier life than immersing myself in the theater again, and maybe someday teaching others.  However, I have also been obsessed with health and nutrition for years now due to my own physical challenges, so parlaying that into a Nutritional Counselor Masters almost seems a no-brainer.  Yet again, going for something where I could work with animals, or even be an Oceanographer also tickles the fancy.

Since I will be joining the ranks of the unemployed in a few weeks, I want, need, and must use every moment wisely and make strong decisions for my future.  This is because, if I am certain of anything, it is that I have not been happy in these office manager/administrative positions that I have held for so long.  It is like I have been trying to stuff my soft, round type B personality peg into a sharp, painful type A hole.  I am convinced that the inherent stresses in these jobs have contributed greatly to my overall downturn in health.

So, whatever choice I make, may god, goddess, spirit, etc, please guide me on this path and point me the right direction.

~Jenn

The Power of a Puss

I was sitting here with a hot, freshly made cup of hot chocolate trying to figure out what to write about tonight, when suddenly my eyes fell on Jada, curled up in her bed.  I watched her for awhile, her chest softly rising and falling, deep in sleep.  A sense of complete and utter peace and happiness floated over me.  There is something so lovely, deeply beautiful and innocent about animals that I can't imagine for a minute not having her in my life.  Nor can I understand when people tell me that they don't have animals, don't want animals, don't even like animals.  It is honest to god as if they are speaking some foreign language to me.  More than that, I find myself, deep inside, thinking that they can't possibly be a good person.  I make every effort to shed myself of such nasty little judgments.

Personally, if I could and had the financial wherewithal I would have a brood of beauties - nothing would make me happier.  Until then, I have a little fluffy girl here that is so breathtakingly lovable that I consider myself lucky, every day, that she wandered into my life.

~Jenn

You are your own best advocate...

I have been jerked around by doctors for years.  I am sick primarily due to listening to doctors and their "best guesses".  I am guilty of disregarding my very best instincts.  Well, no more.  While I am still alive and somewhat functional, I have finally decided that I am the only person in the doctor's office with my very best interests in mind.

To that end, I have done enough research on my illness that I am very nearly an expert in thyroid conditions in my own right.  Due to my self-imposed education, I am now telling them what I expect, and how I expect it.  If a doctor doesn't want to help me, on my way down the road I go to someone who will.

It is freeing.  It is relieving.  It is empowering.  It is the first time in a very long time that I can see a bright light at the end of a long dark tunnel.  I haven't found the right doc yet, nor have I been prescribed the medicine that I know I need (Amour thyroid, a natural thyroid rather than synthetic).  But, I am back in the driver's seat, and it feels really damn good.

~Jenn

Oh, American Idol...

So, I wrote a letter to Fox tonight.  Kinda bitched them out a little bit.  I guess at the end of the day, I can deal with a season of bad singing, because we have certainly had that before, but I refuse to deal with crappy reality show nonsense.  Here's the letter:

Hello Fox,

I have been watching American Idol since mid-way through the first season and I have not missed a single show since then. I have voted religiously for great performances. I have attested to all of my anti-Idol, jaded friends that sometimes there really are great reasons to watch this show. Yet, this is the first time I have been inspired to write a letter to you. The only reason I am taking the time to write to you right now is because there are creative decisions which are being made that are ruining my favorite show. I’ll tell you why:

• You need to STEAMLINE the show. It is clear that the show is too long by all of the useless filler that you are trying to lamely stuff in. 1 hour for the singing, and a ½ hour for results. Period. You’ve done it before, you can do it again. Trust me when I say that you have been the #1 rated show because of the SINGING, not this other BS.

• THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A REALITY SHOW. IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A TALENT SHOW. If a reality show could have your ratings, they would have had them – Survivor, Bachelor, etc, would KILL to have your ratings. The reason you have the ratings you do is because so many people, like me, will watch you whereas we refuse to watch reality show dreck . That crap yesterday, with the cameras watching people cry backstage? FAIL. EPIC FAIL.

• As for the reality show nonsense…the judges and Ryan need to CHILL. THE. EFF. OUT. I don’t tune in to watch them bitch slap each other. It is RIDICULOUS. The crap between Ryan and Simon…TIRED. The diddling between Kara and Simon…STUPID. I was HAPPY Paula was leaving because of the idiocy between her and Simon every show, yet Kara stepped right into her place. It is excruciating.

With sub-par singing this season, it is already hard enough to watch this show. You have roughed it out with worse contestants but you have never before made such poor decisions with the structure of the show. With the extra added annoyances, and that is putting it nicely, I will be gone soon, very soon, if ya’ll don’t pull yourselves together.

To sum it up, Idol, you look desperate. And pathetic. Desperately pathetic is NOT pretty, nor entertaining.

Jennifer

Some good news today.

I have been slowly putting the pieces together about what is going on with me.  Through research, and several very wise women, I am getting confirmation that the horrendous way I have been feeling isn't all in my head after all.  One very large piece of the puzzle may be the medication that I am using, that I must use every single day.  I'm not going to get too medical-doctorly here and bore ya'll to tears, but suffice it to say that synthetic thyroid may give you only enough of what you need to exist, but not any of what you need to truly live.  I had a long conversation with my cousin Sherry today, and the answer to my prayers may just lie in getting my hands on some Armour thyroid.

So, it is back to the drawing board for me.  The quest starts tomorrow to find a doctor who will actually treat all of my symptoms, and not just the most obvious ones.

~Jenn

The strange among us...

There is a young man that has been going to my school slightly longer than I have worked there.  He is one of the most original human beings I have ever met.  I'm not sure that I have the talent to convey just how different he is.  About the best I can do is paint the picture of a verbal Lurch from the Addams Family.  You know how Lurch only grunted and sighed?  Well, Mark has a brain.  One that works overtime to try and make sense of the world around him. 

I figured out early on that this strange persona was a ruse; a wall, a way to keep the rest of us at about two full, Shaquille O'Neil arm's lengths.  His deep, stilted voice and odd mannerisms always seemed a cover.  There was no question in my mind that this individual had been hurt in a way that most of the rest of us can barely, and thankfully, only imagine.

Despite his off-putting ways, Mark had built a little family for himself in our classrooms.  Though his classmates may have found him to be odd, he was also treated like the harmless, dark older brother who may or may not have done too many drugs in the wooded area behind the local high school.  He had found a place where he was accepted for exactly who he was.

Three years in, though, may have been enough for him.  Maybe we all got just a little too close.  Maybe we saw just a little too much of the real Mark, the guy who has been buried for far too long underneath the earth, wrapped in a bunker of shame.  Just when we all finally felt like there may be a chance that this kid was going let a little light into his soul, he has seemingly imploded. My best guess is he came from a household almost completely devoid of love, but rich in judgment and resentment. 

He showed up to a performance last Friday, in front of about 70 people, drunk off of his ass.  He showed up to class tonight, drunk again, with slave written across his forehead and a 40 of some cheap beer I have never heard of.  I have a visual of him with a black sharpie in his hand, staring with drunken concentration into his mirror drawing slave across his own forehead, not even realizing he was writing it backward. 

Mark, wherever you are in Los Angeles tonight, I hope you know that you are worthy of better things.

~Jenn

Great resources...

I have to keep it short and sweet tonight.  I have been roped into something that I really don't want, but feel obligated, to do.  In the meantime, though, I would like to share with you two of the great sources of information that I have been pulling from lately.  I hope they feed you as much as they have me.

http://www.truthaboutabs.com/
The gentleman, Mike Geary, who runs this first site I have listed seems to be a pretty stand up guy.  I will grant you, the website looks like total cheese.  He is trying to get you to buy stuff, no question.  But, I have to tell you....I bought his down loadable book on food (what is healthy and what isn't) for only about $19.  It was over 110 pages, and every page is chock full of great info.  Not only that, but I'm now on his mailing list, and I get an awesome and informative email every 2-3 days.  In addition, he has tons of great stuff on the web page for free.  I consider it money truly well spent.

http://www.wholeliving.com/
This is the web page for the magazine "Body & Soul".  I truly wish I could afford to get a subscription for every woman I know, because I know that every woman I know would dig the hell out of it.  You know what I mean?  ;)

That's it for now, let's all hope we have a beautiful start to our week.

~Jenn

Whole foods...

I have been reading everything that I can get my hands on lately about food. Specifically, the things in our food that are killing us all slowly.  High fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, fillers, chemicals, dyes and the list goes on, and on.  The more I read about this stuff, the more outraged I get that we are being sold such poison.  Parents are feeding their children toxins and they don't even know it.  Toxins that will shorten their own children's lives.

For myself, I wonder how much this garbage has contributed to my health problems.  I can't help but think that had I been eating healthy, whole foods my entire life I would have never gotten Graves disease.  Therefore, Chris and I have been making the shift.  It is a big, difficult shift to make.  The first part of the process was our choice in grocery stores.  After dabbling with Trader Joe's for a few years, we finally made the plunge and switched to shopping there (and a bit at Whole Foods) rather than at our regular grocery store (Ralph's).  We're eating much more simply with meats, fruits, veggies and dairy.  I still eat too much bread, and I am still having weak moments when we go out, but it is a start.

The other huge benefit has been on our wallet.  I had no idea that we could save this much money.  5 very full bags of groceries, including 2 bottles of wine, for $110?  That is outrageously, ridiculously, awesome.

So far, so good, I just have to keep working to get my baser urges under control.  But, even if I'm cheating a little bit, at least I'm doing it with foods that aren't chock full of plastic chemicals and toxins.

~Jenn

A change gonna come...

We just got finished watching "Capitalism, A Love Story".  Structurally it wasn't Michael Moore's finest film.  However, much of the information in it is mind blowing.

For example, have you ever heard of something called "Dead Peasant" insurance?  Millions of people have life insurance policies that have been taken out on them without their knowledge, by their own employers.  Let me say that again.  By their own employers.  I'm not talking about just the upper-level management folks.  I'm talking about baggers at Wahl Mart.  Seriously?  Check out the list of companies that have participated in this abhorrent practice here:  http://www.deadpeasants.biz/.

Another eye-opener was an internal Citigroup memo from 2006 detailing (celebrating) how America, has turned into a modern day plutonomy.  In a plutonomy, according to Citigroup global strategist Ajay Kapur, "economic growth is powered by and largely consumed by the wealthy few".  Check out the actual memo here for a truly brain melting experience:  http://www.ibtimes.com/articles/20090907/citigroup-2006-americamodern-day-plutonomy.htm .

Those of you who have known me for awhile, and/or discussed politics with me, knows that I believe we are heading toward the French Revolution, part deux.  The more I learn, the more I can only say Viva la Revolution.

~Jenn

The rarity of complete, and completely beautiful, silence.

I live in Los Angeles.  Let's face it, L.A. is not the quietest city on the planet.  Add to that the ubiquitous electrical devices that we all have on, all the time, usually blaring.  "But, it goes to 11".

I also have a job that involves very lovely but needy (and loud) students pulling on my apron strings all day.  My boss is loud, my staff is loud, hell, I'M loud.  The sound of my own voice annoys me sometimes.  Even the voice in my head, that inner droning monologue, pounds on the inside of my skull, shrieking and over thinking everything.  Finally, my partner, my love and soul mate Christopher can sometimes literally drive me mad with his need to talk all the time.  We can't watch a show or a movie, and I can't even sit here to write this blog, without him happily chirping away about whatever thought is currently drifting through the transom of his mind. 

Sometimes I have little fantasies about becoming a monk.  What would it be like to live in complete silence all the time?  Sure, it would be boring at first, but I also think it would eventually lead to an amazing sense of peace.  Maybe it is up to me to take a little time every day, lock myself in my bedroom, and snatch a little bit of tranquility for myself.

~Jenn

Holding my breath...

....waiting for the good things to fall into place.  Waiting for the turn, the twist, the fork in the road.  Trying to dance on the wire and not fall, trying to do the right thing, trying to make the right choice. 

Have to look into the mirror, have to stand up for what's right.

Have to stand, have to fall, have to take it to the line.

Have to please but lead, have to make the sweet deal.

Have to love, have to stand, have to cram, have to jam.

Tell it, say it, play it, don't betray it.

~Jenn

Pills.

Wow.  I realized tonight that I hadn't remembered to take my two most important pills since Saturday.  They are synthroid (the pill Chris calls the "stay alive pill") and zoloft (aka, the "stay happy pill"). 

I got a stern lecture from Chris about moving myself up the list of things that are important.  But, hey, that can't be all of it, because I certainly didn't forget to fart around on Facebook for the last two days.  I didn't forget to write and call my congressfolks all day yesterday.  I didn't forget to switch from channel to channel watching the health bill vote. When I was stressed at work tonight, I didn't forget to sneak in the damn cigarette I shouldn't be having.

No, it means something more than that.  It is symptomatic of a deeper issue, for the slovenly neglect I show myself has been going on for as long as I can remember.  It really boils down to this:  "Jenn, do you love yourself, or not?  Do you want to be around for awhile, or not?  If you are around, do you want it to be as pain free as possible, and worth being here for, or not?" 

Over the years I thought I had made a lot of inroads towards learning to love myself.  Then, something like this happens, and it reminds me that I have a long way to go.

~Jenn

Forgive me...

....but I'm basking in the glow of the very idea that I may have insurance someday relatively soon.

You may, or may not, have an idea of what that means to someone like me.  A pariah like me, who has been shunned by insurance company after insurance company.  "Nooooooo", they say, whilst wagging a long, bony finger in my face, "Not yoooou.  Your money isn't welcome here.  You are one of those dirty types, one of those sickly types who needs...tests, and things."

In all seriousness, though, I am tired of half-assing it with this illness.  I am tired of self-medicating, guessing, and not calling the doctor when I should because my financial health allotment has run out for the month.  I am tired of wondering what the new ache or pain means, and scouring WebMD to see if they have heard of it.  I am tired of trying to be an expert when I haven't spent a single day in medical school.  And, I am tired of spending almost every spare dollar we have on doctors and medicines, rather than ever buying one new stitch of clothing; not to mention wearing the same pair of earrings every day for three years, going without make-up or ever getting my hair done.  It's hard to feel like a girl, I'll tell you.  I feel more like a petri dish that has been shoved in the corner of a lab somewhere gathering mold.

However, today gives me hope that my entire existance may not have to just be about survivial.  Someday soon I may be able to leave that in the hands of the professionals so that I can truly live again.  We'll see.  :)

~Jenn