The tide may be a'turnin...

I discovered something today that may help me quite a bit with these tired, unmotivated issues I am having.  I am actually really excited about it.   I don't want to say anything yet until I can fully wrap my brain around what all it entails.  But, there will be more soon, promise!

That is it for tonight...I am off to spend time with friends watching Paranormal Activity.  I am especially excited about this one because our student, Micah Sloat, is one of the two leads.  I hope you tear it up, Micah!

~Jenn

Trying to stay positive and motivated...

This feels like the 7 year itch of working out and eating right.  I have not worked out at all this week.  I don't know if I'm just making excuses or what - which I am totally open to that possibility, by the way - but I am exhausted 90% of the time, I feel like I can't get a deep breath because of some lung malfunction, I have no energy, and no patience whatsoever.  Therefore, my results are going up, rather than down.  In fact, a three pound weight gain happened in just the last 2 weeks.  It's pretty depressing. 

However, on the positive front - Chris and I spent hours today cleaning, reorganizing, throwing stuff out and setting stuff aside to give away - purging is always a mood lifter.  In addition, a neighbor gave us his 60" TV, I kid you not, for nothing.  Zero dollars spent on a ginormous TV.  Bonus!

As a side note, regarding the lung issues, as we were cleaning today I was floored by the amount of dust in this apartment.  It isn't that we're slobs - we dust and clean as much as we ever have.  However, never have I seen this much dust accumulate so quickly.  It makes me wonder if my breathing problems aren't starting right here at home.

Anyway, I have avoided this long enough, here are the hideous results....

Results of the last 2 weeks:


Height: Still 5'5"  ;)

Weight: 174 lb's (+3)

(overall +3 from original measuring)

Chest: 41 inches (same)

(overall + 1 from original measuring)

Waist: 37 inches (+/- 0)

(overall -1 from original measuring)

Hips: 42.5 inches (+1)

(overall -.5 from original measuring)

Butt: 43 inches (+/- 0)

(overall -1 from original measuring)

Right bicep: 11.75 inches (+.25)

(overall -1.25 from original measuring)

Right thigh: 21.5 inches (+.5)

(overall +/- 0 from original measuring)

~Jenn

Health care....

Although I am a very political person.....or, should I say anti-political?  Depends on the day, I guess.  Anywho, I told myself that I wouldn't get too political on my blog.  How many people want to hear crap about politics?  Smartly, not many. 

However, I feel the need to point out, as I see universal(-ish) health care dying for the second time in my lifetime...what the french is wrong with us that we can spend trillions on other countries, and wars, and killing, and bank bailouts, and every other damn thing, but we cannot even come close to taking care of our own people in the most fundamental of ways???

Health care for all seems like a no brainer.  No. Effing.  Brainer.  An unhealthy society, a sick society, is a very unproductive society.  No healthcare = more time missed from work, people's illnesses going unchecked for much longer so that they get much sicker, people having to default on their bills, loans and mortgages, families losing mom or dad and going on welfare, kids being dumped into foster care, folks having to dump their elderly parents onto the state, bankruptcies.....the list goes on, and on, and on.

When are we going to wake up and do what is both the right thing to do, and the SMART thing to do???!!  God only knows.

~Jenn

Jason Greene

Tonight's blog is in tribute to Jason Greene.  Jason was a student at the acting school I manage until around June of last year.  He was delightful, quirky, and sometimes very frustrating to deal with. 

If you are a regular viewer of American Idol, you may have seen him in last night's episode.  You couldn't miss him, actually.  He was the one rolling on the floor, making goo-goo eyes at the judges (all of them) while singing "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls.  If, by some miracle, you still don't know who he is, here is his website:  http://www.jason-greene.net/

So, why am I writing in tribute of Jason?  Because I have long admired his verve and his zest for life.  He operates entirely under his own set of rules.  He lives fully alive, and seems to have a lot of fun while doing it.  The frustrating part for me was that I had to try and hold him to our school's rules, and it was very much akin to trying to get a house cat to listen to you.  You get a a lot of blank stares, some hissing, and quite a few paw slaps. 

By the by, don't let what you may have seen last night fool you - he is one seriously talented kid.  He did a scene in one of our Works in Progress evenings that I remember vividly, mostly because Jason lived it 1000%.  I remember lecturing him about how his talent would go to waste if he didn't stop playing around and learn how to get down to work.  I realized last night, though, that I may have been wrong. Jason, and people like him, find plenty of ways to creatively skirt the rules to get what they want, and quite often they end up doing very well for themselves.

So, here's to you, Jason!  You had what may have been the funniest, most memorable audition that I have ever seen on Idol.  I fully expect your appearance to lead to great things, and I am really proud of you.  :)

~Jenn

Trying to take a deep breath...

The title has a dual meaning.  The first is literal - I have had something wrong with my lungs for 8 or 9 weeks now.  It is really, really weird.  I have an occasional dry cough; some (but not much) phlegm; and almost every day I hit a tired patch when my chest feels like it has a 10 pound weight on it.  I almost feel like I'm trying to breathe through a straw.

The second meaning is that I'm telling myself to relax, to try not to think the worst, and to philosophically take a deep breath.  I have a serious fear of death.  I can't tell you how many times over the years I have convinced myself that I'm dying because of a strange, random pain in my right buttock (well, you know what I mean).  I have heard about a hundred too many stories that all start with "If only she had gone to the doctor sooner...".  It's like my psyche's version of the scary campfire story.

Between crying wolf a few too many times, and being utterly broke with no insurance, I have tried (hard) to ignore how I feel.  But, at what point do you decide that, damn the torpedoes, somebody needs to do something about this?

In the meantime, until I make that decision, I'll be over here trying to take some deep, cleansing breaths...

~Jenn

Stand naked before the world and scream "I HAVE NO APOLOGIES"

"Be Independent of the Good Opinion of Others" - Dr. Wayne Dyer

This quote has been rattling around in my head for days now.  I read it a few years back in one of Dr. Dyer's books.  At first, I could barely wrap my brain around what he meant.  It would have been a lot easier for me to understand had he instead wrote "Be Independent of the Bad Opinion of Others".  I mean, we have heard that since we were kids, right?  "Sticks and stones may rattle my bones, but names will never hurt me."  However, to be independent of people's good opinion of me?  Hell, I'm an actor!  The first time we actors get on stage it is because we want someone to signal their praise to us through laughter, tears or applause.  All of us, actor and non-actor alike, want to be loved and admired.  We crave approval like a fat kid craves potato chips.

So, what did Dr. Dyer mean by this outrageous quote?  To be independent means to stand apart, to stand alone, and to think for oneself.  One excellent definition of independent is "expressive of a spirit of independence; self-confident; unconstrained".

Therefore, if I am independent of people's opinion of me, good or bad, then I do not allow others to define me.  Only by being true to myself - not masking, hiding, faking, pretending, trying to please, trying to ingratiate, bowing, scraping, etc - only then will I learn to love myself rather than begging for love from others.  I will rip the mask off, stand naked before the world and defiantly scream "I am Jenn. I love me.  I am beautiful, intelligent, talented and I HAVE NO APOLOGIES.  You do not define me, as I am perfect in all of my glorious flaws.  What you think of me, good bad or indifferent, has NO bearing on how I view myself."

In other words, I am Jenn, hear me roar - but only when, if, and how I feel like it. 

~Jenn

Sweet Life Lessons.

One can make as many plans, lists, New Years resolutions, and schedules as they want but real life, in all of its messy glory, will always get in the way.  Not sometimes, not occasionally, but always.  If you're open, if you have faith and trust, then this isn't necessarily a bad thing.  In fact, if your heart is open and ready to receive, you may be amazed to find that the outcome is better than anything you had previously imagined.

A little over a week ago, I was here lamenting things not going the way I had planned.  I'd been sick, tired, unmotivated, and disappointed with myself.   I allowed myself to roll around in self-pity for a few too many days, which is not living, loving, alive, nor adventurous.  It is merely self-indulgent.

Once I snapped out if it and decided to be still and listen, I was presented with a number of creative  opportunities that were tremendously gratifying.  I have been incredibly busy, met some inspirational people, and had conversations that filled me both spiritually as well as intellectually. 

I am grateful for this lesson.  May I remember it well the next time the negative voice tries to return.

~Jenn

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Tomorrow will be a return to the original plan, sans judgment.

My plate over runneth...

Sorry, no official blog for Friday, and I missed doing my measurments.  I've been commissioned to do two logos, and I have a huge meeting today.  Please send good vibes my way at 6 pm PST.  I will definitely get back to our regularly scheduled programming very soon.  I hope I will also have big news soon!  :)

~Jenn

Magic.

This blog, and the adventure behind it, may have led me in an entirely different direction than anything I imagined when I started, just a few scant weeks ago.  I have done very little in the way of the original stated goals.  However, some things have occurred, just in the last two days, that make me think the Live Love Alive Adventure may be imbued with a bit of magic.

For now, dear readers, I must remain cryptic, but there may be news soon...

~Jenn

Growth, or a time to move on.

"Growth is the only evidence of life." ~John Henry Newman, 1864.

One can only work so hard or sacrifice so much.  One can only go so long without positive reinforcement.  One must know, embrace, and promote their own self-worth.  One must understand their own talents and respect their own contributions, even when others may not.

Although it tears me up, and I hate it,  it may be time to move to greener pastures.

~Jenn

Ac-Cent-Thu-Ate the Positive, E-lim-in-ate the Negative

It is beyond my realm of understanding how some people can stand being so eternally negative.  The kind of folks who lay down fields of negative energy that smother all light, creativity and personality until everyone they encounter feels that their very breath is caught in a morass of panic.  There is never a positive side.  The glass is never half full and no one ever does a good enough job to be recognized or thanked.

I have been told before that I am "empathic".  It sounds like a crazy superpower, when all it really means is that I am extremely sensitive to people's energies.  I pick up moods like a human tuning fork.  This is great around positive, happy people.  It is pure hell around miserable folks.  I practically vibrate with nervous energy - biting nails, shaking, ulcers, trying to keep them happy, trying to keep the black evil eye from looking directly at me or those I care about.  I internalize all of it and it eats at me from the inside out.

Much like the abused girlfriend who keeps ending up in bad relationships, I have consistently had at least one negative person in my life (if not more) for the better part of the last 20 years.  That speaks to a personal issue that must be resolved - why do I continue to attract that energy into my life?  Why does it happen over and over, and why in the world do I put up with it for so long?

In the meantime, I truly look forward to a time when my life will be clear of such disharmony, as I will be able to breath and laugh again with ease.

~Jenn

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Workout = 20 mins

Meryl.

I watched Ms. Streep last night, accepting what must be her umpteenth Golden Globe award.  It occurred to me, and not for the first time, that I would leave Chris for her.  Not even in a lesbian kind of way.  More in the manner of a feeding grapes, waving palm fronds and bowing and scraping kind of way.  It isn't even just because she is the greatest actor, male or female, that has ever lived.  Although, that doesn't hurt - I mean, to be anywhere near the woman who gave the single greatest acting performance EVER in "Sophie's Choice", not to mention "Silkwood", 'The Deer Hunter", "The Hours", "Out of Africa", "The Devil Wears Prada", "Kramer v. Kramer"... OH MY GOD.  I could go on and on, but it is honestly like staring directly into an eclipse of the sun - it blinds the soul to ruminate too long upon her.

Beyond that, though, is that she *seems* to be the coolest woman ever.  Seriously.  Every award show, every interview, every talk show appearance she is interesting, really funny, intelligent, self-assured yet humble, and she has this sense of peace and calm that I truly envy. 

She had the temerity last night to say "In my long career I have played so many extraordinary women that basically I am getting mistaken for one.”  Nay, Ms. Streep...you are an extraordinary woman because you have imbued those you have played with such grace, life and dignity.  You are an inspiration to actors around the world.  You are both beloved and admired.  Thank you for your passion, your art, and your deep love and respect of the craft.

~Jenn

_________________________________________________

Workout today - 2o mins

They Say to Feel Good is to Look Good...

I spent three hours today cleaning and reorganizing my bedroom and closet.  For four years now I have dressed dowdy and with as many covering layers as possible.  All colors, heels, scarves, skirts, dresses and pretty much anything else that identified me as a female of the species was shunned and put away.  The logic being that, if I fade into the woodwork enough, no one will notice the horrible changes happening to my physical person. 

Here is the very real result of that mindset - you also fade away from yourself.  When all of the self-identifiers get put away to the back of the closet, when you strip away your own individuality, you are left with a bland, mishmash of meaningless cotton that says absolutely nothing about the person wearing it. 

I have decided that maybe that choice 4 years ago has only amplified and magnified a lack of interest in my own outer shell.  Perhaps if I care a bit more about what I put on my person, and get back to expressing a little personality with my choices, I may also trip my way into caring more about my physical form.

Who knows if it'll work.  At the very least, I'll get to wear some of my favorite scarves again, and that can't be all bad.

~Jenn

This is not today's blog...

....but it is something wonderful that I had to share, thanks to my old college bud Jacquie Floyd.  She got an email from her mother and posted it on Facebook.  It said:

"With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good grief, look how smart I am!"

"People Living Deeply Have No Fear of Death".

We had our work "holiday" party last night.  December was insane, so January was the next best choice.  I realized after dinner that one of our young work-exchange students was giving palm readings in the corner.  I couldn't have been more excited, as I hadn't had a palm reading in at least 20 years.  I waited patiently for my turn....well, ok, that's a total lie.  I was so hyper about it my lovely co-workers let me jump the line almost immediately.

She proved, right out of the gate, that she knew what she was doing.  I should note that she and I do not know each other very well.  I have her scheduled to work on Sundays, which is a day that I rarely work.  Yet, she read my palm like she was reading my (non-existent) biography. 

First, she noted that I have a very clear creative line that has three distinct forks.  Two of them are more "public" and one is for private pleasure.  I'm assuming these three lines represent acting, directing and writing.  She also said that I will have had two great loves in my life - one at around 20 years old, and the second around 30.  There is no way she could have known that my first adult relationship occurred from ages 18-22, and then my true love Chris and I started dating March 11, 2000 (just shy of my 30th birthday).  I dated a few other men in my twenties, but nothing worth even a line or two on my palm, apparently.

Then she mentioned my health.  She said that my health lines were so faint  I am sure to have increasingly poor health starting at age 40.  I laughed, and said "Well, I only have 5 months to go then, as I'll be 40 in June!"  She was surprised by this, and then quickly noted that, if I begin to make better health choices (exercising, eating right, etc), I can slow down and even reverse some of the ill effects of my poor health.  I responded, "Smashingl!  I am working out again, I quit smoking, been eating right-ish, and blogging all about the whole adventure".  She nodded enthusiastically and told me to keep it up.  So, keep it up I shall.

The final thing she told me was the most important of all.  She said that I have a star on my palm where a number of my lines, especially the creative ones, all intersect.  She informed me that this is a very rare thing.  "What it means", she said, "is that you are going to impact and change a lot of people's lives in some way."  I was just as pleased as punch to hear it.  I've known for a number of years now that my life, from the health standpoint, is not going to be a party.  I even had one doctor inform me that I didn't win the "DNA lottery".  I have reconciled myself to it, even if it means that my life turns out to be a relatively short one.  What I can't and won't live with, however, is any idea that I won't do something good and positive with my life before the grand finale. To hear otherwise is more exciting than I even know how to express.  Hell, who knows?  Maybe my impact starts with this quiet little blog. 

~Jenn

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Back to it today - 22 minutes on the treadmill  :)

2 weeks and counting....

2 weeks in, 50 to go and, as I detailed yesterday, I've been thrown my first series of curveballs.  However, something my good  friend Judy said reminded me of this story:

"Thomas Edison failed more than 1,000 times when trying to create the light bulb.  When asked about it, Edison allegedly said, "I have not failed 1,000 times. I have successfully discovered 1,000 ways to NOT make a light bulb."

That Edison was a pretty smart cookie.  The great news is that I haven't had a cigarette since last Saturday!  That will be the most important, positive change of all in 2010. 

Results of this week:

Height: Still 5'5" (haha)

Weight: 171 lb's (-1)                             
(overall +/- 0 from original measuring)

Chest: 42 inches (gazongas status quo)  
(overall + 2 from original measuring)

Waist: 37 inches   (+/- 0)                      
(overall -1 from original measuring)

Hips: 41.5 inches (-1)                            
(overall -1.5 from original measuring)

Butt: 43 inches (+/- 0)                          
(overall -1 from original measuring)

Right bicep: 11.5 inches (-.5)                
(overall -1.5 from original measuring)

Right thigh: 21 inches (+/- 0)                 
(overall -.5 from original measuring)

Some good news after all!  Now if I would just stick to the plan the results will be even better.  :)
 
~Jenn

My Buzz Has Been Harshed.

Oh, friends.  I wish I had a happier blog today.  I wish, more than anything, that this had been a charmed, magical week and that we could ruminate about it together whilst sipping our still-too-hot chamomile tea. 

But no, nay, it is not to be.  I have nothing exciting, new or positive to report today.  In fact, this week has been a giant FAIL on the scope of....well......ok, there have been bigger failures in the world, but I am MAD at myself, DAMMIT. I have barely worked out this week, I have eaten pure crap and I somehow managed to stress myself into chewing off a whole new knuckle.

I am coming to realize, about 25 years too late, that I don't function well, at all, with a lack of sleep and an abundance of stress.  Not even a little bit.  I'm pretty much what they call a "hothouse flower".  Next thing you know, I'll be swooning like Scarlett O'Hara and requiring smelling salts to wake up in the morning (now if I only had her18 inch waist!). 

Therefore, I said all of this just to admit that the next weighing in and measuring process will be nothing less than disappointing.  All I can do is say, "Tomorrow (or next week) Will Be a Better Day".

Jenn

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My heart goes out to those suffering in Haiti.  All of my whining above is nothing as compared to the real suffering that goes on in much of the world.  Please do consider contributing what you can. <3

Oh, Lawd, the hormones, the HORMONES....

Emotions are from the devil.  Satan himself must have designed them to be the perfect road-to-hell tripwire.  Whether by fear, anger, lust or sadness, we are all manipulated and brought down by our "feelings".  The 'man behind the curtain', our emotions, can color every thought, interaction, conversation, task, relationship and job that we take on. 

I, for one, am tired of it.  I am tired of being ruled by intangibles.  When Chris says "Let's go the movies", and my brain hears "I don't want to spend time with just us", one must ask where the massive disconnect occurred.  As an actor, I truly understand that internal and external conflict is that which makes our favorite plays, television shows and movies interesting, compelling and addictive.  However, as a strong, 21st century woman, I am finally starting to realize that stability and harmony in my personal life is a much happier and more wondrous place to be.

Therefore, I choose to reject the imaginary, hormonally based, internal dialogue that is only designed to cause drama, conflict, suspect and confusion.  Much like Dorothy, I'd like to return from that mythical, sometimes beautiful, and always difficult place called Oz, and live in peace and happiness surrounded by my most dearest ones in Kansas.

I'll allow Ms. Gale to say it for me: 

DOROTHY
"But I did leave you, Uncle Henry -- that's just the trouble. And I tried to get back for days and days."

AUNT EM
"There, there, lie quiet now. You just had a bad dream."

DOROTHY
"No----but it wasn't a dream -- it was a place.  And you -- and you -- and you -- and you were
there.  But you couldn't have been, could you?

AUNT EM
"Oh, we dream lots of silly things when we --"

DOROTHY
"No, Aunt Em -- this was a real, truly live place. And I remember that some of it wasn't very nice......but most of it was beautiful. But just the same, all I kept saying to everybody was, I want to go home.  And they sent me home.  Doesn't anybody believe me?

UNCLE HENRY
"Of course we believe you, Dorothy."

DOROTHY
"Oh, but anyway, Toto, we're home! Home! And this is my room -- and you're  all here! And I'm not going to leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all!  And -- Oh, Auntie Em -- there's no place like home!"

~Jenn

Stressssssssss.......

As an appropriate companion piece to yesterday's "I would really rather be asleep" blog, tonight I figured I should tackle sleep's public enemy #1 - stress.  Mostly because today was extremely stressful, and I wanna get it off my chest.

Sometimes I seriously wonder why I have always taken management positions.  I have been some variation of "The Buck Stops Here" almost since I first entered the workforce.  For some, this is the natural position to be in.  These shiny, strong-chinned wonder-leaders feel right at home making the decisions, leading the folk and taking the flack.  Not I.  If I'm honest, I hate stress.  I would rather the buck sail right on by to the next desk while I surf on Facebook.  I like to laugh, and joke, tell stories, create, doodle, sing and generally act a fool.  I'm not what they call a "natural born leader".  I don't know that I could cajole or even bribe someone to follow me out of the foxhole.

So, how is it I end up in the front of the boat, every time, leading the kids across the Delaware?  How is it that success has followed me from one job to the next?   I really don't know.  Maybe because I have a great eye for wonderful people.  Maybe because I make sure they know I appreciate every effort they make.  Maybe because they know that I will never ask them to work harder than I do, or to do something I won't.

In the meantime, though, leading has always felt like I was stuffing my square self into a round, unforgiving and stressful hole.  I hope someday I can reconcile myself to it.

_______________________________________

Workout today - happy to be back to it, though it was a little short - 20 mins rather than 30

Jenn

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

I love to sleep.  No.  Seriously.  I heart sleeping well beyond my ability to verbally describe just how much I love it.  I am renowned in various circles with my ability to knock back as many hours of sleep, roughly, as a hibernating momma bear.

So, imagine my surprise when I stopped being able to do it properly a few years back.  Not being able to fall asleep in the first place.  Or, waking up at 3 am, 5 am, 6 am, 6:30 am, 6:40 am, 6:45am, 6:48 am, 6:50am6:52am6:53am6:53and20seconds.......AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE my bedroom ceiling.  I HATE my endlessly running brain.  I HATE that Princess Jada the cat knows EXACTLY where my bladder is and chooses to knead it like raw dough at 5 in the morning, almost every morning.  I HATE that just the softest plea from Chris (the fiancé), like "Honey, you're snoring", will result in my being up for hours planning everything that I need to do for every interminable second the rest of the day.  I HATE that my already difficult job now regularly invades my most precious me time.

Another goal this year....to learn how to sleep again.  To give my body, soul and mind the rest it absolutely requires.  I vividly recall that, as a teenager, I had not a care in the world and could sleep an entire day away.   My bed and I have a pact to return to those more carefree times.

___________________________________

On a side note, I found out today that an old college theater buddy named Jon has passed away.  I have wonderful memories of Jon and I manning the stage manager booth during our school's production of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" and us making out more than once.  It never went anywhere, so it was probably just a result of the awe-inspiring and heat-inducing war between George and Martha that got us all het up, but I do look back on those times fondly.  Rest in peace, Jon. 

__________________________________


No workout yesterday, or today.  Using the tired excuse, but I MUST get back on the horse tomorrow!

Jenn

Addiction sucks.

I started smoking when I was 24 years old.  24.  Years old.  Pretty stupid to pick up smoking at the ripe old age of 24, am I right?  I "learned" to smoke for a a play I was cast in called "Stags and Hens".  We had several runs with it, and by the time we were done I was just beginning my love affair with tobacco.  Since then, I have quit smoking approximately 1,398 times; give or take a few hundred.  Cigarettes have a powerful clarion call that has sucked me back into the smoke every time.

When I was diagnosed with Graves disease in 2005, my doctor almost passed out on the floor in front of me when he found out that I was a smoker.  He yelled, in some heavy eastern European accent that I couldn't place, "You have to quit RIGHT NOW".  I nodded at him, all while thinking "Are they paid by anti-tobacco lobbyists to say this, because they ALL do, like a damn mantra."

What my doctor failed to explain to me (do they think we can read their minds?) was that, if I have Graves disease which effects the thyroid, there is a good chance that I will also develop Graves Opthamology, which effects the eyes.  Three months after receiving radiation to get my thyroid under control, I got the first tell-tale signs of the eye issue.  I was watching TV one night with Chris and, all of a sudden, I felt like I had hundreds of little sand granules stuck in my eyes.  I was digging at them for relief, but none came.  I saw the doc the next day, and he confirmed that I had moved into phase two.

After doing quite a bit of research, I finally understood why the doctor had been so adamant that I quit.  As it turns out, nicotine is the proverbial fuel to Graves Ophthalmology's fire.  Science and the medical community cannot figure out why, but nicotine absolutely pisses off and accelerates the body's desire to attack itself behind the eye.  So, I tried to quit again, and failed.  And again.  And again.

Here I am, 4 years later, still struggling to quit.  My eyes are swollen, angry and dry all the time.  I have been told I could go blind.  Yet, it is a struggle to quit.  Can you imagine?

I tried to quit again, on December 26th.  And, yet again, I found myself at a party last night where there were quite a few smokers.  All it took were a few drinks, and I was asking, nay begging,  to "borrow" cigarettes - I love that concept, by the way, that only we smokers use.  We ask to "borrow" cigarettes, like we're going to give them right back.  "Uh, yeah, thanks, here's my spent cigarette butt.  Appreciate it!"

If I do nothing else all year, even if I never work out again, eat McDonald's every day, and I don't improve myself in any other way....I would still have had an amazing adventure, show incredible love to myself and be a thousand times healthier if I manage to quit smoking for once and for all. 

Please wish me luck in this endeavor and send good energy my way - I will be forever grateful.

Good health is a lot more than just working out...

As we all know (or should know), achieving good health is about treating the whole person...body, soul and mind.  In my first week, I concentrated quite a bit on exercise - mostly because I have found it very difficult before  now to commit to  it regularly.  Now that I am on the right path in that area, I am going to start working on a few other key happy-makers:

• What I put into my mouth (ok, dirty-birdies, chillax).  I am going to make better, healthier choices.  I am not only referring to watching the fat and carbs here.  I'm also talking about eating whole, organic, foods.  Food that was grown or raised in natural and respectful circumstances.  Food that is still food, not some frankenfood that has been chemicalized beyond anything our bodies know what to do with.  While we're on the subject, if you haven't seen "Food, Inc." yet, please do yourself the favor.  You owe it to yourself and and to your family to know what is in the food you're eating.
• I have been looking for some good, inspiring, reading material to compliment this new journey I'm on.  I tried "Jesus in Bluejeans" by Laurie Beth Jones and "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Millman.  Both books seem wonderful but, for some reason, they just aren't grabbing me by the poo-poo (a lovely saying contributed by my love, Chris. Cracks me up every time).  Therefore, I keep turning to my Body + Soul mag.  I can never go wrong with them.  Any reading suggestions you have are welcome and appreciated.  Oh!  One final thing - one of these days I am going to love myself enough to go and get a library card. 
• I already covered movies with "Food, Inc." - one of the most important films I have seen in a very long time.  Rent it ASAP!  :)
• Creating with my hands:  The local adult ed has 2 classes coming up that I deperately want to take.  Candle making, and soap making.  I am just granola enough to be THRILLED.  I will give a full report once I have taken them.  If it turns out that I can actually do one or both of these activities I may just try to make a little side cash on them.
• God, I love music.  Love, love, love.  The fact that I have listened to music so infrequently in the past few years is a reflection of how far removed I've been from what makes me truly happy.  I am committed to changing that.  What makes you happy?

How about you?  Are there any areas in your life that you would like to improve?  I would love to hear about them...

Jenn

Official Food, Inc. Movie Site - Hungry For Change?

Official Food, Inc. Movie Site - Hungry For Change?

1 Week In...

Ok, week one down, fifty-one to go!  Allow me to sum up the week:

• I worked out 5 days out of 7.
• I think I am finally getting over whatever this illness has been (I still say typhoid), after a full month of hacking, exhaustion, chilling and generally feeling miserable.
• I decided to skip the guilt and choose the patience and understanding route instead.
• I discovered Dunning, a new exercise sure to sweep the nation.
• I learned that standing up for myself doesn't mean I'll have to stand in front of a firing squad later.
• Finally, I made a commitment to learn how to be.  Care less, and just be, secure in my beingness.

That's a pretty full week!  I'm feeling darn good about it, actually.  :)  If you're still here reading, thanks for sharing the journey with me.  One friend was concerned about writing in the comment section, when in actuality, I would love to hear from you.  Comments, suggestions, ideas, anything.  You're my friend because you inspire me. 

As promised, here are my results after 1 week.  I'm a little bummed about gaining a pound, but I lost inches, so it may (hopefully!) be muscle weight.

Height: 5'5"

Weight: 172 lb's (+1)
Chest: 42 inches  (+2) (yes, mama has some even bigger gazongas)
Waist: 37 inches (-1)
Hips: 42.5 inches (-.5)
Butt: 43 inches (-1)  (baby got a little less back?)
Right bicep: 12 inches (-1)
Right thigh: 21  inches (-.5)

I hope you all have a beautiful evening, and I'll see you tomorrow.
 
Jenn

Work out today:  30 mins, 1.4 miles, 179 cals

Validation and Ego...

The older I get, the more I realize there is no difference between a ten year old with his friends, a forty-five year old with his employees or a 70 year old world leader with his constituents, the underlying power play in almost every interaction is to massage the egos involved.  A minuscule amount of human communication involves folks who are grounded and secure enough in their own souls that validation and competition are entirely unneeded.  For these truly evolved individuals, every conversation is another opportunity to learn, grow, share or support. 

The overwhelming majority of us, however (and OH YES, I include myself in this less-evolved group), can sniff a challenge a mile away - even an imagined one that was never meant or intended.  A teacher, blessed with hundreds of followers, may imagine that one student's eye twitch was a twitch of derision and let it destroy years of amazing, foundational work.  Some of us may fool ourselves into thinking that the multiple hours of couch-work spent with the psychotherapist has put the ego in check.  Unfortunately, the proverbial pissing in the corner becomes a dead giveaway to the ID monster in the room.

This post is very much a companion piece to yesterday's blog.  The need to be liked is wrapped up in the same ego-validation weakness as another's need to deride and put down.  It is all part of human power play.

Maybe the foundation of the entire adventure this year will be to achieve the ability to not care and just be.

Love thyself...

To quote Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski (hollaaa, South Park), "I learned something today...".  What did I learn, you ask?  I learned that I can love myself enough to stand up and say "Enough is enough".  I learned that my needs do count.  I learned I can tell someone that they have crossed the line without imploding, being rendered mute or fire raining down from the sky.

My entire life has been spent putting others first.  I even formed a number of nifty oral fixations to effectively shut myself up to keep from causing offense.  Bite a nail down to the knuckle?  Check.  Smoke a pack a day, despite some serious health ramifications?  Check.  Chew gum like a fiend?  Check.  Eat too much?  Drink too much?  Check and check.  I learned at an early age that, if you put enough in your mouth, no one can hear you scream.

Don't get me wrong...I am no Mother Theresa.  I don't do these things because I am so wonderful and magnanimous.  I simply, and selfishly, like to be liked.  Or, to go even deeper, I don't like myself nearly enough, so I ask others to make it up to me.

Today, however, I pulled everything out of my mouth but my teeth and said "You must respect me.  I am a good person, I do good things and I deserve respect; even if it means that you won't like me anymore."

I have to tell you, it felt pretty damn good. 

Work out today was short - still winded, but I got 20 minutes in.  More tomorrow.  :)

There are always going to be stumbling blocks....

I woke up this morning, 2 hours early, coughing my ever-lovin' azz off.  After two days of feeling better, this morning was a big, fat setback.  As I lay there I went beyond planning my day, to fretting about my day, to ruminating upon the day before.  The human brain is a wondrous piece of machinery that can figure out pi (the ratio of a circle's area to the square of its radius*) yet is also akin to your 80 year old grandma wringing her hands and asking if you've had enough to eat. 

Once I grew tired of the internal chattering, I dragged myself out of bed and tried to start the day.  Unfortunately, there wasn't enough warm green tea with organic honey in the house to help me forget how tired, cranky, cold and nastay I felt.  After bumbling around for awhile, and making a sad little breakfast, I headed back to bed and pulled the covers over my head.  The furnace was cranked to almost 80, I was in head-to-toe sweats and my thick, yummy, cottony socks, and I was still cold.  Don't tell me this isn't typhoid.  Momma didn't raise no fools.

Therefore...no work-out today for Jenn.  Zero, zilch, nada, zip.  In fact, I was lucky to have made it to work.  I got there almost a half hour late and chock full of resentment. 

All I can do is meet you here tomorrow with better news.  Have faith, my friends, and see you soon.

*Thank you, Wikipedia.  Love you.  <3

By the by - I did work out yesterday, but my blog-focus was on Brooke.  It was another glorious 1/2 hour on the tread mill.  No dancin' though....Will and Grace was on.  ;)

Brooke...

I write with a sad heart tonight.  One of our students was found by her grandmother the day after Christmas, dead of an accidental overdose.  I found out a few days later, but it just now seems to be sinking in. 

She was a sweet girl, with a tiny voice and a shy demeanor.  She had a heavyset  build, so it surprised many of us at the school when she claimed to be a model.   The part that really got to us were the incredibly high heels that she insisted she had to wear.  "I am a MODEL!", she protested, "This is what we WEAR!".  These 5-inchers prevented her from effectively being able to participate in her more physical acting classes.  It annoyed me, and it annoyed her teachers.  To her great credit, however, she went against her own nature and purchased some very fashionable tennis shoes (albeit with a bit of a heel).  When I congratulated her on her new acquisition, she good-naturedly informed me that she wasn't used to flat shoes and that her arches hurt.  I laughed and thanked her for getting them anyway.

If I'm honest, though, this girl flummoxed, frustrated and irritated me.  She made my job difficult, and I don't like it when my students make my already difficult job more so.  To make matters worse, she got stranger as time went on.  By the 6th and 7th week of her eight week course, she seemed more loopy than ever.  At one point I even felt it necessary to threaten her with expulsion, but she pulled herself together enough to finish.  Little did I ever imagine that this girl was just days from death.  She finished her program on December 17th and died on December 26th.

Rather than doing my typical, old-Jenn reaction of tremendous, what-more-should-I-or-could-I-have-done guilt, I have chosen a different path.  I would like to honor this girl by truly learning from her death.  I hope that I will henceforth have more patience with people.  I hope that I will more readily put the high-heeled shoe on the other foot.  I hope that I will remember that there is (almost) always more going on than what we can see on the surface. 

Here's to you, Brooke.  I have no doubt God had a kick-ass pair of Louboutins or Manolo Blahniks waiting for you when you got there.

Dancing on treadmills is fun.

I wore my Ipod shuffle today while tread milling.  Before I knew it I was dance-running*.  Shall I call it Dunning?  Or Rance?  I can't decide.  Either way, it turned that exer-frown upside down.  I had fun, I sang, and yes, I danced.  Both Chris (the fiancé) and the cat were disturbed by my antics, but I didn't care.  And, let me tell you, there is no better song to wind your session down to than "Let's Get it On" by Mr. Marvin Gaye.  When that song slinks into your earphones and shakes its tail feather you're instantly sexy, regardless of the amount of sweat on your brow.  Meow.

* This author does not advise anyone to dance whilst tread milling.  It could result in public embarrassment or a stubbed toe.

Results - 30 minutes, 204 calories burned, 1.44 miles.

ps ~  Since I work afternoons and evenings, I'll mostly be exercising in the morning and blogging at night.  Therefore, some of my posts *may* not show up until after midnight PST.

Time for a change...

I have been sick for over three weeks now.  I haven't been to the doc yet (as I mentioned previously, no insurance), so I can only guess at what this is:  Cold, flu, bronchitis, walking pneumonia, typhoid? 

The illness has been both a blessing and a curse.  The curse is an obvious one - I am tired of coughing up lung cookies big enough to bark or meow.  Pretty soon I'm going to start naming and giving them bowls of kibble.  I have been some variation of tired and sick for so long that I don't remember what feeling good feels like.  The blessing is that being endlessly ill is what inspired me to start this blog.   

A few days ago I was reading my latest copy of 'Body + Soul' magazine.  If you've never heard of it, I highly encourage you to pick it up.  I love this magazine enough to marry it.  Here is their website:  http://www.wholeliving.com/ .  Anywho, I was reading an article titled "The Best Medicine".  It is a clarion call for reform of health care here in the United States; the premise being that we spend much more (money, time, energy, focus) on treating illnesses than we do on preventing them.  As I was reading it occured to me that our own health care system, and our expectations of what our doctors are capable of,  are making us sick.  We have not trained our collective brains, or our national psyche, that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  We fail to exercise, we drink, smoke, and, probably worst of all, fill our bodies with meals that are so chock full of fakery that we can barely call it food.  We abuse ourselves because our doc can always give us a pill, or a stint, or bypass, or another pill to deal with the side effects of the first pill.  Unfortunately, however, those are extremely poor substitutes for the real deal - good health.

Ahh, look at me up there on my soap box.  I'm yakking so much that I've almost run myself out of time to actually work out.  Time to put my money where my mouth is....

Updated:  I danced.  I put Lady Gaga in and danced my badonkadonk azz off (hopefully literally).  I have no idea how many calories I burned but MAN was it fun!  I hadn't danced like that in years!

Day one...

Before one starts on a new adventure, it is advisable to take stock and figure out where the starting line is.  To that end, I have weighed in and taken measure...

Lawd.  It makes me want to go back to bed.  However, I have been trying that tactic for awhile and, shockingly, it doesn't work.  Go figure. 

I'm going to post the outcome but, first, let me make a promise (to you and to myself):  I will always be honest about the results.  No shaving off a pound and no slyly forgetting an inch or two.  After all, why take on this daunting task if I can't be honest about the journey?

Results (gulp):
Height:  5'5"
Weight:  171 lb's
Chest:  40 inches (yes, mama has some big gazongas)
Waist:  38 inches
Hips:  43 inches
Butt:  44 inches (baby got back?)
Right bicep:  13 inches
Right thigh:  21.5 inches

Alrighty.  Starting line established.  I will remeasure every Friday.  Hopefully sooner rather than later I'll have results that don't make me want to commit felonious acts.

A short examination of how I got here:

• A lifelong aversion to exercise, being out of breath and sweating. 
• I was 30 years old and 120 pounds when I took depo-prevera and gained over 30 pounds in 5 months.  Ladies, seriously, if you enjoy not being crazy, not crying, not gaining weight, and having an acne-free face, avoid the depo.  If all of those things appeal, well....knock yourself out.
• In 2004, a gyno put me on synthroid for a misdiagnosed slow thyroid (it was actually Hashimoto's disease).  That misdiagnoses tripped me into....
• Graves disease in fall, 2005.  My thyroid was overproducing so much hormone, that there were weeks I dropped up to 6 pounds.  My bones, muscles and joints were so leached that it got to where I had to crawl up flights of stairs and I could barely walk.  My resting heart rate was 135.  I was then given radiation to kill the thyroid which...
• ....didn't kill it all the way, so it has been a 4 year guessing game with the docs and synthroid to try and get my thyroid levels right - all while having no health insurance.

The aughts have simply been a non-stop party!  Viva la 2010s!

Finally, I am thrilled to report that I did 30 minutes on my treadmill today.  It had been so long that I'm pretty sure I heard a voice ask "Giiiirl, where you been?" after I turned it on.  I burned 177 calories and did 1.4 miles.  My lower back and my legs bitched incessantly but, grudgingly, held on to the finish.  I'm proud of them.

2010.  Doesn't it feel fresh, new and downright sexy?  01/01/10.....it is a date filled to the brim with the type of binary code that runs all of our computers.  Therefore, let's reboot and reformat our collective  hard drives, shall we?