I have been slowly putting the pieces together about what is going on with me. Through research, and several very wise women, I am getting confirmation that the horrendous way I have been feeling isn't all in my head after all. One very large piece of the puzzle may be the medication that I am using, that I must use every single day. I'm not going to get too medical-doctorly here and bore ya'll to tears, but suffice it to say that synthetic thyroid may give you only enough of what you need to exist, but not any of what you need to truly live. I had a long conversation with my cousin Sherry today, and the answer to my prayers may just lie in getting my hands on some Armour thyroid.
So, it is back to the drawing board for me. The quest starts tomorrow to find a doctor who will actually treat all of my symptoms, and not just the most obvious ones.
~Jenn
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The strange among us...
There is a young man that has been going to my school slightly longer than I have worked there. He is one of the most original human beings I have ever met. I'm not sure that I have the talent to convey just how different he is. About the best I can do is paint the picture of a verbal Lurch from the Addams Family. You know how Lurch only grunted and sighed? Well, Mark has a brain. One that works overtime to try and make sense of the world around him.
I figured out early on that this strange persona was a ruse; a wall, a way to keep the rest of us at about two full, Shaquille O'Neil arm's lengths. His deep, stilted voice and odd mannerisms always seemed a cover. There was no question in my mind that this individual had been hurt in a way that most of the rest of us can barely, and thankfully, only imagine.
Despite his off-putting ways, Mark had built a little family for himself in our classrooms. Though his classmates may have found him to be odd, he was also treated like the harmless, dark older brother who may or may not have done too many drugs in the wooded area behind the local high school. He had found a place where he was accepted for exactly who he was.
Three years in, though, may have been enough for him. Maybe we all got just a little too close. Maybe we saw just a little too much of the real Mark, the guy who has been buried for far too long underneath the earth, wrapped in a bunker of shame. Just when we all finally felt like there may be a chance that this kid was going let a little light into his soul, he has seemingly imploded. My best guess is he came from a household almost completely devoid of love, but rich in judgment and resentment.
He showed up to a performance last Friday, in front of about 70 people, drunk off of his ass. He showed up to class tonight, drunk again, with slave written across his forehead and a 40 of some cheap beer I have never heard of. I have a visual of him with a black sharpie in his hand, staring with drunken concentration into his mirror drawing slave across his own forehead, not even realizing he was writing it backward.
Mark, wherever you are in Los Angeles tonight, I hope you know that you are worthy of better things.
~Jenn
I figured out early on that this strange persona was a ruse; a wall, a way to keep the rest of us at about two full, Shaquille O'Neil arm's lengths. His deep, stilted voice and odd mannerisms always seemed a cover. There was no question in my mind that this individual had been hurt in a way that most of the rest of us can barely, and thankfully, only imagine.
Despite his off-putting ways, Mark had built a little family for himself in our classrooms. Though his classmates may have found him to be odd, he was also treated like the harmless, dark older brother who may or may not have done too many drugs in the wooded area behind the local high school. He had found a place where he was accepted for exactly who he was.
Three years in, though, may have been enough for him. Maybe we all got just a little too close. Maybe we saw just a little too much of the real Mark, the guy who has been buried for far too long underneath the earth, wrapped in a bunker of shame. Just when we all finally felt like there may be a chance that this kid was going let a little light into his soul, he has seemingly imploded. My best guess is he came from a household almost completely devoid of love, but rich in judgment and resentment.
He showed up to a performance last Friday, in front of about 70 people, drunk off of his ass. He showed up to class tonight, drunk again, with slave written across his forehead and a 40 of some cheap beer I have never heard of. I have a visual of him with a black sharpie in his hand, staring with drunken concentration into his mirror drawing slave across his own forehead, not even realizing he was writing it backward.
Mark, wherever you are in Los Angeles tonight, I hope you know that you are worthy of better things.
~Jenn
Monday, March 29, 2010
Great resources...
I have to keep it short and sweet tonight. I have been roped into something that I really don't want, but feel obligated, to do. In the meantime, though, I would like to share with you two of the great sources of information that I have been pulling from lately. I hope they feed you as much as they have me.
http://www.truthaboutabs.com/
The gentleman, Mike Geary, who runs this first site I have listed seems to be a pretty stand up guy. I will grant you, the website looks like total cheese. He is trying to get you to buy stuff, no question. But, I have to tell you....I bought his down loadable book on food (what is healthy and what isn't) for only about $19. It was over 110 pages, and every page is chock full of great info. Not only that, but I'm now on his mailing list, and I get an awesome and informative email every 2-3 days. In addition, he has tons of great stuff on the web page for free. I consider it money truly well spent.
http://www.wholeliving.com/
This is the web page for the magazine "Body & Soul". I truly wish I could afford to get a subscription for every woman I know, because I know that every woman I know would dig the hell out of it. You know what I mean? ;)
That's it for now, let's all hope we have a beautiful start to our week.
~Jenn
http://www.truthaboutabs.com/
The gentleman, Mike Geary, who runs this first site I have listed seems to be a pretty stand up guy. I will grant you, the website looks like total cheese. He is trying to get you to buy stuff, no question. But, I have to tell you....I bought his down loadable book on food (what is healthy and what isn't) for only about $19. It was over 110 pages, and every page is chock full of great info. Not only that, but I'm now on his mailing list, and I get an awesome and informative email every 2-3 days. In addition, he has tons of great stuff on the web page for free. I consider it money truly well spent.
http://www.wholeliving.com/
This is the web page for the magazine "Body & Soul". I truly wish I could afford to get a subscription for every woman I know, because I know that every woman I know would dig the hell out of it. You know what I mean? ;)
That's it for now, let's all hope we have a beautiful start to our week.
~Jenn
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Whole foods...
I have been reading everything that I can get my hands on lately about food. Specifically, the things in our food that are killing us all slowly. High fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, fillers, chemicals, dyes and the list goes on, and on. The more I read about this stuff, the more outraged I get that we are being sold such poison. Parents are feeding their children toxins and they don't even know it. Toxins that will shorten their own children's lives.
For myself, I wonder how much this garbage has contributed to my health problems. I can't help but think that had I been eating healthy, whole foods my entire life I would have never gotten Graves disease. Therefore, Chris and I have been making the shift. It is a big, difficult shift to make. The first part of the process was our choice in grocery stores. After dabbling with Trader Joe's for a few years, we finally made the plunge and switched to shopping there (and a bit at Whole Foods) rather than at our regular grocery store (Ralph's). We're eating much more simply with meats, fruits, veggies and dairy. I still eat too much bread, and I am still having weak moments when we go out, but it is a start.
The other huge benefit has been on our wallet. I had no idea that we could save this much money. 5 very full bags of groceries, including 2 bottles of wine, for $110? That is outrageously, ridiculously, awesome.
So far, so good, I just have to keep working to get my baser urges under control. But, even if I'm cheating a little bit, at least I'm doing it with foods that aren't chock full of plastic chemicals and toxins.
~Jenn
For myself, I wonder how much this garbage has contributed to my health problems. I can't help but think that had I been eating healthy, whole foods my entire life I would have never gotten Graves disease. Therefore, Chris and I have been making the shift. It is a big, difficult shift to make. The first part of the process was our choice in grocery stores. After dabbling with Trader Joe's for a few years, we finally made the plunge and switched to shopping there (and a bit at Whole Foods) rather than at our regular grocery store (Ralph's). We're eating much more simply with meats, fruits, veggies and dairy. I still eat too much bread, and I am still having weak moments when we go out, but it is a start.
The other huge benefit has been on our wallet. I had no idea that we could save this much money. 5 very full bags of groceries, including 2 bottles of wine, for $110? That is outrageously, ridiculously, awesome.
So far, so good, I just have to keep working to get my baser urges under control. But, even if I'm cheating a little bit, at least I'm doing it with foods that aren't chock full of plastic chemicals and toxins.
~Jenn
Saturday, March 27, 2010
A change gonna come...
We just got finished watching "Capitalism, A Love Story". Structurally it wasn't Michael Moore's finest film. However, much of the information in it is mind blowing.
For example, have you ever heard of something called "Dead Peasant" insurance? Millions of people have life insurance policies that have been taken out on them without their knowledge, by their own employers. Let me say that again. By their own employers. I'm not talking about just the upper-level management folks. I'm talking about baggers at Wahl Mart. Seriously? Check out the list of companies that have participated in this abhorrent practice here: http://www.deadpeasants.biz/.
Another eye-opener was an internal Citigroup memo from 2006 detailing (celebrating) how America, has turned into a modern day plutonomy. In a plutonomy, according to Citigroup global strategist Ajay Kapur, "economic growth is powered by and largely consumed by the wealthy few". Check out the actual memo here for a truly brain melting experience: http://www.ibtimes.com/articles/20090907/citigroup-2006-americamodern-day-plutonomy.htm .
Those of you who have known me for awhile, and/or discussed politics with me, knows that I believe we are heading toward the French Revolution, part deux. The more I learn, the more I can only say Viva la Revolution.
~Jenn
For example, have you ever heard of something called "Dead Peasant" insurance? Millions of people have life insurance policies that have been taken out on them without their knowledge, by their own employers. Let me say that again. By their own employers. I'm not talking about just the upper-level management folks. I'm talking about baggers at Wahl Mart. Seriously? Check out the list of companies that have participated in this abhorrent practice here: http://www.deadpeasants.biz/.
Another eye-opener was an internal Citigroup memo from 2006 detailing (celebrating) how America, has turned into a modern day plutonomy. In a plutonomy, according to Citigroup global strategist Ajay Kapur, "economic growth is powered by and largely consumed by the wealthy few". Check out the actual memo here for a truly brain melting experience: http://www.ibtimes.com/articles/20090907/citigroup-2006-americamodern-day-plutonomy.htm .
Those of you who have known me for awhile, and/or discussed politics with me, knows that I believe we are heading toward the French Revolution, part deux. The more I learn, the more I can only say Viva la Revolution.
~Jenn
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The rarity of complete, and completely beautiful, silence.
I live in Los Angeles. Let's face it, L.A. is not the quietest city on the planet. Add to that the ubiquitous electrical devices that we all have on, all the time, usually blaring. "But, it goes to 11".
I also have a job that involves very lovely but needy (and loud) students pulling on my apron strings all day. My boss is loud, my staff is loud, hell, I'M loud. The sound of my own voice annoys me sometimes. Even the voice in my head, that inner droning monologue, pounds on the inside of my skull, shrieking and over thinking everything. Finally, my partner, my love and soul mate Christopher can sometimes literally drive me mad with his need to talk all the time. We can't watch a show or a movie, and I can't even sit here to write this blog, without him happily chirping away about whatever thought is currently drifting through the transom of his mind.
Sometimes I have little fantasies about becoming a monk. What would it be like to live in complete silence all the time? Sure, it would be boring at first, but I also think it would eventually lead to an amazing sense of peace. Maybe it is up to me to take a little time every day, lock myself in my bedroom, and snatch a little bit of tranquility for myself.
~Jenn
I also have a job that involves very lovely but needy (and loud) students pulling on my apron strings all day. My boss is loud, my staff is loud, hell, I'M loud. The sound of my own voice annoys me sometimes. Even the voice in my head, that inner droning monologue, pounds on the inside of my skull, shrieking and over thinking everything. Finally, my partner, my love and soul mate Christopher can sometimes literally drive me mad with his need to talk all the time. We can't watch a show or a movie, and I can't even sit here to write this blog, without him happily chirping away about whatever thought is currently drifting through the transom of his mind.
Sometimes I have little fantasies about becoming a monk. What would it be like to live in complete silence all the time? Sure, it would be boring at first, but I also think it would eventually lead to an amazing sense of peace. Maybe it is up to me to take a little time every day, lock myself in my bedroom, and snatch a little bit of tranquility for myself.
~Jenn
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Holding my breath...
....waiting for the good things to fall into place. Waiting for the turn, the twist, the fork in the road. Trying to dance on the wire and not fall, trying to do the right thing, trying to make the right choice.
Have to look into the mirror, have to stand up for what's right.
Have to stand, have to fall, have to take it to the line.
Have to please but lead, have to make the sweet deal.
Have to love, have to stand, have to cram, have to jam.
Tell it, say it, play it, don't betray it.
~Jenn
Have to look into the mirror, have to stand up for what's right.
Have to stand, have to fall, have to take it to the line.
Have to please but lead, have to make the sweet deal.
Have to love, have to stand, have to cram, have to jam.
Tell it, say it, play it, don't betray it.
~Jenn
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Pills.
Wow. I realized tonight that I hadn't remembered to take my two most important pills since Saturday. They are synthroid (the pill Chris calls the "stay alive pill") and zoloft (aka, the "stay happy pill").
I got a stern lecture from Chris about moving myself up the list of things that are important. But, hey, that can't be all of it, because I certainly didn't forget to fart around on Facebook for the last two days. I didn't forget to write and call my congressfolks all day yesterday. I didn't forget to switch from channel to channel watching the health bill vote. When I was stressed at work tonight, I didn't forget to sneak in the damn cigarette I shouldn't be having.
No, it means something more than that. It is symptomatic of a deeper issue, for the slovenly neglect I show myself has been going on for as long as I can remember. It really boils down to this: "Jenn, do you love yourself, or not? Do you want to be around for awhile, or not? If you are around, do you want it to be as pain free as possible, and worth being here for, or not?"
Over the years I thought I had made a lot of inroads towards learning to love myself. Then, something like this happens, and it reminds me that I have a long way to go.
~Jenn
I got a stern lecture from Chris about moving myself up the list of things that are important. But, hey, that can't be all of it, because I certainly didn't forget to fart around on Facebook for the last two days. I didn't forget to write and call my congressfolks all day yesterday. I didn't forget to switch from channel to channel watching the health bill vote. When I was stressed at work tonight, I didn't forget to sneak in the damn cigarette I shouldn't be having.
No, it means something more than that. It is symptomatic of a deeper issue, for the slovenly neglect I show myself has been going on for as long as I can remember. It really boils down to this: "Jenn, do you love yourself, or not? Do you want to be around for awhile, or not? If you are around, do you want it to be as pain free as possible, and worth being here for, or not?"
Over the years I thought I had made a lot of inroads towards learning to love myself. Then, something like this happens, and it reminds me that I have a long way to go.
~Jenn
Monday, March 22, 2010
Forgive me...
....but I'm basking in the glow of the very idea that I may have insurance someday relatively soon.
You may, or may not, have an idea of what that means to someone like me. A pariah like me, who has been shunned by insurance company after insurance company. "Nooooooo", they say, whilst wagging a long, bony finger in my face, "Not yoooou. Your money isn't welcome here. You are one of those dirty types, one of those sickly types who needs...tests, and things."
In all seriousness, though, I am tired of half-assing it with this illness. I am tired of self-medicating, guessing, and not calling the doctor when I should because my financial health allotment has run out for the month. I am tired of wondering what the new ache or pain means, and scouring WebMD to see if they have heard of it. I am tired of trying to be an expert when I haven't spent a single day in medical school. And, I am tired of spending almost every spare dollar we have on doctors and medicines, rather than ever buying one new stitch of clothing; not to mention wearing the same pair of earrings every day for three years, going without make-up or ever getting my hair done. It's hard to feel like a girl, I'll tell you. I feel more like a petri dish that has been shoved in the corner of a lab somewhere gathering mold.
However, today gives me hope that my entire existance may not have to just be about survivial. Someday soon I may be able to leave that in the hands of the professionals so that I can truly live again. We'll see. :)
~Jenn
You may, or may not, have an idea of what that means to someone like me. A pariah like me, who has been shunned by insurance company after insurance company. "Nooooooo", they say, whilst wagging a long, bony finger in my face, "Not yoooou. Your money isn't welcome here. You are one of those dirty types, one of those sickly types who needs...tests, and things."
In all seriousness, though, I am tired of half-assing it with this illness. I am tired of self-medicating, guessing, and not calling the doctor when I should because my financial health allotment has run out for the month. I am tired of wondering what the new ache or pain means, and scouring WebMD to see if they have heard of it. I am tired of trying to be an expert when I haven't spent a single day in medical school. And, I am tired of spending almost every spare dollar we have on doctors and medicines, rather than ever buying one new stitch of clothing; not to mention wearing the same pair of earrings every day for three years, going without make-up or ever getting my hair done. It's hard to feel like a girl, I'll tell you. I feel more like a petri dish that has been shoved in the corner of a lab somewhere gathering mold.
However, today gives me hope that my entire existance may not have to just be about survivial. Someday soon I may be able to leave that in the hands of the professionals so that I can truly live again. We'll see. :)
~Jenn
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Promote the General Welfare.
"We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."
"Promote the general welfare". It was so important to the Founders that they put it right there in the preamble of our great constitution. Tomorrow the Senate is going to decide whether or not basic health care fits the Founders' original vision and meaning of "promote the general welfare". With our GDP being eaten away by our skyrocketing health costs (about 17% and rising), and more and more Americans losing everything they have because of their untenable health bills, I have no doubt that our founding fathers would absolutely view providing health care to our citizens as a vital and needed component of promoting the general welfare.
Hell, knowing our Founders, I also don't doubt that they would have lined up the traitorous CEOs of every insurance company and bank that got us into this nightmare in the first place and fired a musket ball right between the whites of their eyes. To, you know, actually promote the general welfare of the people and all.
Flawed though the bill may be, we can wait no longer to do the right thing for our country and our citizenry. If our Senators possess even 1% of our Founders' backbone and courage they will pass this health care bill.
~Jenn
"Promote the general welfare". It was so important to the Founders that they put it right there in the preamble of our great constitution. Tomorrow the Senate is going to decide whether or not basic health care fits the Founders' original vision and meaning of "promote the general welfare". With our GDP being eaten away by our skyrocketing health costs (about 17% and rising), and more and more Americans losing everything they have because of their untenable health bills, I have no doubt that our founding fathers would absolutely view providing health care to our citizens as a vital and needed component of promoting the general welfare.
Hell, knowing our Founders, I also don't doubt that they would have lined up the traitorous CEOs of every insurance company and bank that got us into this nightmare in the first place and fired a musket ball right between the whites of their eyes. To, you know, actually promote the general welfare of the people and all.
Flawed though the bill may be, we can wait no longer to do the right thing for our country and our citizenry. If our Senators possess even 1% of our Founders' backbone and courage they will pass this health care bill.
~Jenn
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The mind positively swirls with all of the possibilities...
I could....
Hell, I have already been approached about teaching acting to kids. Too awesome, that is.
I'll keep you posted. :)
~Jenn
- Return to my first love, acting.
- Return to my second love, directing.
- GET HEALTHY, finally, dammit!
- Write. This blog, poems, scripts, etc.
- Read the many books I have backlogged.
- Go back to school
- Start my own organic candle and soap making company
- Become a political activist
- Take time to explore all of the spiritual paths I have been curious about, like Buddhism et al.
- Learn all of the many, MANY other things that I am interested in, like sewing, crocheting, etc.
Hell, I have already been approached about teaching acting to kids. Too awesome, that is.
I'll keep you posted. :)
~Jenn
Friday, March 19, 2010
Crazy.
Crazy, crazy, crazy last few days. I feel like my head is swirling. Work was insanely busy and I've gotten a lot of extra hours in (and, boy, does mama need the cash). Also crazy because Chris and I have basically been going back to the drawing board to figure out how we're going to pull off my being laid off. We were actually up until 7 am the other night talking and planning; for which I suffered GREATLY, believe you me. Then, we got in the car this morning to discover that our car was broken into last night. Luckily we had forgotten to lock the car, so they didn't break out a window like they did to another car on the other side of the building.
Crazy, seriously. :/
If you're still here, I thank you kindly for your patience with my absence, and I hope tomorrow will bring a more mellow and happy Jenn for your reading pleasure.
~Jenn
Crazy, seriously. :/
If you're still here, I thank you kindly for your patience with my absence, and I hope tomorrow will bring a more mellow and happy Jenn for your reading pleasure.
~Jenn
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Wow. Looking for your own replacement is weird. :/
So, I'm being laid off. It was, stupidly, my idea. The acting school that I work for is practically going under, so I finally made our Artistic Director understand that he can't afford me, should lay me off and that he should hire some kid out of college on the cheap. I don't know WHAT I was thinking. Unemployment lines, here I come.
We put out the ad last Thursday, and when I got in today there were about 40+ responses. As I started combing through them, I surprised myself with the physical and emotional responses I was having. More than a few of the resumes I received were from people who were far less than qualified, and it pissed me off. Honestly, do these idiots think I'm going to hand my kids and staff over to just ANYONE? Grrrr.
On the flip side, there were a few resumes that really made me happy. They jumped out of the pile, took my hand, and said that they were the ones to meet. I am actually looking forward to the interviews today and tomorrow. It is always a beautiful challenge to find just the right person and put them in just the right role, but it is even more of a scary thrill when I'm trying to replace myself.
Please wish me luck, in more ways than one. :)
~Jenn
We put out the ad last Thursday, and when I got in today there were about 40+ responses. As I started combing through them, I surprised myself with the physical and emotional responses I was having. More than a few of the resumes I received were from people who were far less than qualified, and it pissed me off. Honestly, do these idiots think I'm going to hand my kids and staff over to just ANYONE? Grrrr.
On the flip side, there were a few resumes that really made me happy. They jumped out of the pile, took my hand, and said that they were the ones to meet. I am actually looking forward to the interviews today and tomorrow. It is always a beautiful challenge to find just the right person and put them in just the right role, but it is even more of a scary thrill when I'm trying to replace myself.
Please wish me luck, in more ways than one. :)
~Jenn
Monday, March 15, 2010
Help so close, yet so far away...
A website (http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/) regarding the treatment (or lack thereof) of hypothyroidism was recommended to me by a friend (thanks Sandy!). It explains thyroid issues better than anything that I have ever read before; including why the treatment of T3 levels is so necessary, yet is so neglected by most doctors. I had heard about this before but, because my knowledge of it was so limited, every doctor I have had since this mess started has been instantly dismissive of even discussing, diagnosing or treating my T3 levels and I always bow under the weight of their "superior" knowledge.
I came close tonight to crying while reading through Stop the Thyroid Madness, because it felt like I was hearing for the first time that I am not totally insane about how crappy I feel for a majority of my existence. I also wanted to cry because it seems like there is help out there, if I could only find the right doctor. Finally, I wanted to cry because they have a link to a company that provides comprehensive tests that give you the full view of what is happening with your thyroid, but the damn thing costs $382.50. With my current finances, it may as well cost $382,500. I would give a kidney to have medical insurance again. :'(
If you are reading this, and you are wondering if you may have hypothyroidism, this website has the most comprehensive list of possible symptoms that I have ever seen. You can check it out here: http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/long-and-pathetic or see below where I have copied and pasted the list in its entirety. There were many things listed there that I already knew about, but there were also quite a few new additions that I hadn't heard of but I'm totally experiencing, like shortness of breath.
I am determined that getting my thyroid levels under proper control will be a HUGE part of my recovery, and I won't stop until I can find a way to do it.
~Jenn
Here's the list:
■Less stamina than others
■Less energy than others
■Long recovery period after any activity
■Inability to hold children for very long
■Arms feeling like dead weights after activity
■Chronic Low Grade Depression
■Suicidal Thoughts
■Often feeling cold
■Cold hands and feet
■High or rising cholesterol
■Bizarre and Debilitating reaction to exercise
■Hard stools
■Constipation
■No eyebrows or thinning outer eyebrows
■Dry Hair
■Hair Loss
■White hairs growing in
■No hair growth, breaks faster than it grows
■Dry cracking skin
■Nodding off easily
■Requires naps in the afternoon
■Sleep Apnea (which can also be associated with low cortisol)
■Air Hunger (feeling like you can’t get enough air)
■Inability to concentrate or read long periods of time
■Forgetfulness
■Foggy thinking
■Inability to lose weight
■Always gaining weight
■Inability to function in a relationship with anyone
■NO sex drive
■Failure to ovulate and/or constant bleeding (see Rainbow’s story)
■Moody periods
■PMS
■Inability to get pregnant; miscarriages
■Excruciating pain during period
■Nausea
■Swelling/edema/puffiness
■Aching bones/muscles
■Osteoporosis
■Bumps on legs
■Acne on face and in hair
■Breakout on chest and arms
■Hives
■Exhaustion in every dimension–physical, mental, spiritual, emotional
■Inability to work full-time
■Inability to stand on feet for long periods
■Complete lack of motivation
■Slowing to a snail’s pace when walking up slight grade
■Extremely crabby, irritable, intolerant of others
■Handwriting nearly illegible
■Internal itching of ears
■Broken/peeling fingernails
■Dry skin or snake skin
■Major anxiety/worry
■Ringing in ears
■Lactose Intolerance
■Inability to eat in the mornings
■Joint pain
■Carpal tunnel symptoms
■No Appetite
■Fluid retention to the point of Congestive Heart Failure
■Swollen legs that prevented walking
■Blood Pressure problems
■Varicose Veins
■Dizziness from fluid on the inner ear
■Low body temperature
■Raised temperature
■Tightness in throat; sore throat
■Swollen lymph glands
■Allergies (which can also be a result of low cortisol–common with hypothyroid patients)
■Headaches and Migraines
■Sore feet (plantar fascitis); painful soles of feet
■now how do I put this one politely….a cold bum, butt, derriere, fanny, gluteus maximus, haunches, hindquarters, posterior, rear, and/or cheeks. Yup, really exists.
■colitis
■irritable bowel syndrome
■painful bladder
■Extreme hunger, especially at nighttime
■Dysphagia, which is nerve damage and causes the inability to swallow fluid, food or your own saliva and leads to “aspiration pneumonia”.
I came close tonight to crying while reading through Stop the Thyroid Madness, because it felt like I was hearing for the first time that I am not totally insane about how crappy I feel for a majority of my existence. I also wanted to cry because it seems like there is help out there, if I could only find the right doctor. Finally, I wanted to cry because they have a link to a company that provides comprehensive tests that give you the full view of what is happening with your thyroid, but the damn thing costs $382.50. With my current finances, it may as well cost $382,500. I would give a kidney to have medical insurance again. :'(
If you are reading this, and you are wondering if you may have hypothyroidism, this website has the most comprehensive list of possible symptoms that I have ever seen. You can check it out here: http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/long-and-pathetic or see below where I have copied and pasted the list in its entirety. There were many things listed there that I already knew about, but there were also quite a few new additions that I hadn't heard of but I'm totally experiencing, like shortness of breath.
I am determined that getting my thyroid levels under proper control will be a HUGE part of my recovery, and I won't stop until I can find a way to do it.
~Jenn
Here's the list:
■Less stamina than others
■Less energy than others
■Long recovery period after any activity
■Inability to hold children for very long
■Arms feeling like dead weights after activity
■Chronic Low Grade Depression
■Suicidal Thoughts
■Often feeling cold
■Cold hands and feet
■High or rising cholesterol
■Bizarre and Debilitating reaction to exercise
■Hard stools
■Constipation
■No eyebrows or thinning outer eyebrows
■Dry Hair
■Hair Loss
■White hairs growing in
■No hair growth, breaks faster than it grows
■Dry cracking skin
■Nodding off easily
■Requires naps in the afternoon
■Sleep Apnea (which can also be associated with low cortisol)
■Air Hunger (feeling like you can’t get enough air)
■Inability to concentrate or read long periods of time
■Forgetfulness
■Foggy thinking
■Inability to lose weight
■Always gaining weight
■Inability to function in a relationship with anyone
■NO sex drive
■Failure to ovulate and/or constant bleeding (see Rainbow’s story)
■Moody periods
■PMS
■Inability to get pregnant; miscarriages
■Excruciating pain during period
■Nausea
■Swelling/edema/puffiness
■Aching bones/muscles
■Osteoporosis
■Bumps on legs
■Acne on face and in hair
■Breakout on chest and arms
■Hives
■Exhaustion in every dimension–physical, mental, spiritual, emotional
■Inability to work full-time
■Inability to stand on feet for long periods
■Complete lack of motivation
■Slowing to a snail’s pace when walking up slight grade
■Extremely crabby, irritable, intolerant of others
■Handwriting nearly illegible
■Internal itching of ears
■Broken/peeling fingernails
■Dry skin or snake skin
■Major anxiety/worry
■Ringing in ears
■Lactose Intolerance
■Inability to eat in the mornings
■Joint pain
■Carpal tunnel symptoms
■No Appetite
■Fluid retention to the point of Congestive Heart Failure
■Swollen legs that prevented walking
■Blood Pressure problems
■Varicose Veins
■Dizziness from fluid on the inner ear
■Low body temperature
■Raised temperature
■Tightness in throat; sore throat
■Swollen lymph glands
■Allergies (which can also be a result of low cortisol–common with hypothyroid patients)
■Headaches and Migraines
■Sore feet (plantar fascitis); painful soles of feet
■now how do I put this one politely….a cold bum, butt, derriere, fanny, gluteus maximus, haunches, hindquarters, posterior, rear, and/or cheeks. Yup, really exists.
■colitis
■irritable bowel syndrome
■painful bladder
■Extreme hunger, especially at nighttime
■Dysphagia, which is nerve damage and causes the inability to swallow fluid, food or your own saliva and leads to “aspiration pneumonia”.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Some random stuff...
Candle update: Chris and I went to the Farmer's Market at the Grove today. One of the mini-stores inside was filled with candles, with a handful of them being organic candles. It is seriously mind blowing the mark-up on organic candles when they really don't cost that much more to make. I'm hoping that I can get this underway soon and that it provides the supplement to our income that we need.
SNL - watched a little tonight for the first time in awhile, and my mind is still blown by how bad most of the skits are. They have a great cast that is being utterly wasted by bad writing. Booooo.
Stopped by a YMCA recently, and Chris and I are thinking of joining. Lifting weights is where it's at, but we certainly can't fit a whole weights set into this apartment.
I have been reading a book on nutrition. Once I'm done I cannot wait to impart some of the very valuable stuff that I'm learning. In the meantime, if you work toward cutting out two killers, and I do mean THEY WILL KILL YOU, I promise that you will feel the difference almost overnight. They are High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS) and any and all artificial sweeteners.
Off to cuddle with my man of 10 years. I hope ya'll have as wonderful a night as I am. :)
~Jenn
SNL - watched a little tonight for the first time in awhile, and my mind is still blown by how bad most of the skits are. They have a great cast that is being utterly wasted by bad writing. Booooo.
Stopped by a YMCA recently, and Chris and I are thinking of joining. Lifting weights is where it's at, but we certainly can't fit a whole weights set into this apartment.
I have been reading a book on nutrition. Once I'm done I cannot wait to impart some of the very valuable stuff that I'm learning. In the meantime, if you work toward cutting out two killers, and I do mean THEY WILL KILL YOU, I promise that you will feel the difference almost overnight. They are High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS) and any and all artificial sweeteners.
Off to cuddle with my man of 10 years. I hope ya'll have as wonderful a night as I am. :)
~Jenn
Saturday, March 13, 2010
The Real Zombieland
Since it was the only place we could watch the Michigan State Basketball game, Chris and I went to a local bar tonight for dinner. They also had the Laker's game on, so every booth and table was filled with people. I don't know if it was this particular bar's customers, or if I was just more in tune tonight, but my lord, it is so creepy to watch people shut themselves entirely off from everything around them. I swear, half of that restaurant was filled with dead-eyed fish people, slumped over in their chairs waiting for someone or thing to renew their empty existence. Watching them walk to the bathroom was like attending a master class in zombie acting.
People are drinking and drugging themselves into spaced out oblivion in a feeble attempt to ignore the world crumbling around them. I say that not as a teetotaler, or in any form of judgment, because god knows I've been there. Unplugging your brain and plugging in the USB or cable cord instead isn't helping either, both of which I am also guilty of doing. However, at some point, we're all going to have to wake up to the fact that our world is being driven right off the cliff, and we're the feckless passengers in the back of the bus holding on for dear life. Numbing ourselves and pretending it isn't happening not only won't make it all magically go away, it can make it much, much worse.
I am making plans to plug myself back into life. I can't change the whole world, but I can change the little, minuscule corner that I have been blessed with. If enough of us do it, oh what a difference we might make.
~Jenn
People are drinking and drugging themselves into spaced out oblivion in a feeble attempt to ignore the world crumbling around them. I say that not as a teetotaler, or in any form of judgment, because god knows I've been there. Unplugging your brain and plugging in the USB or cable cord instead isn't helping either, both of which I am also guilty of doing. However, at some point, we're all going to have to wake up to the fact that our world is being driven right off the cliff, and we're the feckless passengers in the back of the bus holding on for dear life. Numbing ourselves and pretending it isn't happening not only won't make it all magically go away, it can make it much, much worse.
I am making plans to plug myself back into life. I can't change the whole world, but I can change the little, minuscule corner that I have been blessed with. If enough of us do it, oh what a difference we might make.
~Jenn
Friday, March 12, 2010
Fragility.
One of our students came in tonight to tell me that she was in a car accident. I met this woman (she's truly a woman, and one of the few students older than me) a few days ago, and the first thing that struck me, hard and in the face, was how utterly fragile this person is. She's jittery, nervous and can barely look up past the floor. She has a hard time putting together more than two or three sentences. One can't help but wonder what would ever occur to this person to attend an acting school.
Her car accident, even hours later, certainly did not improve matters for her. She was on the verge of tears, could barely breathe and was obsessively rifling through her wallet for some mysterious item that she couldn't find and was never produced. Here is a woman who can barely deal with normal day-to-day activities and her world was made infinitely worse today by metal meeting metal.
Most of us have plenty of issues that we're dealing with; some of us the kinds of problems that could tempt us to seriously consider putting a bullet in our brains. Yet, we still manage and even strive to project normalcy to those around us. When I meet someone like this woman, who can barely hold her shit together in the best of times, my mind is blown thinking about what must have occurred to her to bring her to this place. What abuse has she suffered, what losses has she experienced, and what horrendous pain has life drug her, screaming and kicking, through? I also wonder who she may have been had she had a life filled with love, hope, peace and fulfillment.
Truly, there but by the grace of God go I. Though I have faced many challenges in my life, I feel so lucky that I haven't experienced anything near the kinds of horrors that this poor soul bleeds through her pores every single day, and in every single way.
~Jenn
Her car accident, even hours later, certainly did not improve matters for her. She was on the verge of tears, could barely breathe and was obsessively rifling through her wallet for some mysterious item that she couldn't find and was never produced. Here is a woman who can barely deal with normal day-to-day activities and her world was made infinitely worse today by metal meeting metal.
Most of us have plenty of issues that we're dealing with; some of us the kinds of problems that could tempt us to seriously consider putting a bullet in our brains. Yet, we still manage and even strive to project normalcy to those around us. When I meet someone like this woman, who can barely hold her shit together in the best of times, my mind is blown thinking about what must have occurred to her to bring her to this place. What abuse has she suffered, what losses has she experienced, and what horrendous pain has life drug her, screaming and kicking, through? I also wonder who she may have been had she had a life filled with love, hope, peace and fulfillment.
Truly, there but by the grace of God go I. Though I have faced many challenges in my life, I feel so lucky that I haven't experienced anything near the kinds of horrors that this poor soul bleeds through her pores every single day, and in every single way.
~Jenn
Thursday, March 11, 2010
*tap tap tap* Is this thing on?
I know I probably scared everyone away. Deservedly so, with all of my whining and crying.
But, seriously, there are some changes a'comin that are scary, exciting, delicious, and a little sad. 2010 is about to really begin for me, and I am breathless. I promise to keep ya'll posted. :)
~Jenn
But, seriously, there are some changes a'comin that are scary, exciting, delicious, and a little sad. 2010 is about to really begin for me, and I am breathless. I promise to keep ya'll posted. :)
~Jenn
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Used is still new to me!
Since I couldn't quite afford to buy all of my candle making supplies new right away, I surfed around on Craigslist and found some used stuff. It isn't everything that I needed, or wanted, considering I hope to make organic candles and a lot of this isn't organic, but it is a start. In addition, the woman I bought from also had a whole sewing box full of jewelry beads that she threw in for next to nothing. Making jewelry is also very high on my list of crafts I would like to learn, so I consider this to be an enormous BONUS. :)
Hopefully before you know it I'll be a crafting fool.
~Jenn
Hopefully before you know it I'll be a crafting fool.
~Jenn
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The Oscars Inspire Me
Almost every year the Oscars give me a wonderful shot of creative inspiration. Where some people see cheesy, I see a celebration of excellence on a grand scale. This year was especially wonderful, seeing the first woman to ever accept an Oscar for Best Director. As a director myself (of theater) I really hope this rips the door open for women to be given more opportunities to see their visions showcased on the big screen. Women have so many stories to tell - even ones like The Hurt Locker which, until recently, was a story that no one would have allowed a woman to tell. I can't wait to see what we come up with. :)
~Jenn
~Jenn
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Pink
I watched a "Behind the Music" style documentary about Pink yesterday. It struck me, more than ever, what a complete bad ass she is. Not for the first time I found myself admiring a strong woman for her vision, sense of self and take no bullshit attitude. It isn't about running over people or displaying cruelty - the women that I admire never seem like the kinds of people who are mean to people just because they can. Point of fact, anyone who is truly comfortable with themselves and their power has no need to conduct themselves that way.
Aside from women in the public eye that I greatly admire, like Pink, Meryl, etc, I am also blessed with a number of wonderful examples of strong women in my life, including a few that I only know on-line. As I struggle now to try and pull myself out of some dark days, I am going to try and keep asking myself "What would these women do? Do they know how to say NO when needed, loudly and clearly? Would they bother themselves with trying to keep others happy, despite their own desires?" After all, you're never too old (or perfect) to have role models in your life.
~Jenn
Aside from women in the public eye that I greatly admire, like Pink, Meryl, etc, I am also blessed with a number of wonderful examples of strong women in my life, including a few that I only know on-line. As I struggle now to try and pull myself out of some dark days, I am going to try and keep asking myself "What would these women do? Do they know how to say NO when needed, loudly and clearly? Would they bother themselves with trying to keep others happy, despite their own desires?" After all, you're never too old (or perfect) to have role models in your life.
~Jenn
Friday, March 5, 2010
The need to open my mouth.
The point was made to me a few days ago that my opinions, needs and feelings are valid and just as important as anyone else's. It was suggested that the reason I can't seem to get better is because I don't express these needs to the folks who need to hear it. I found it more than a little ironic that the person telling me this is on my list of the top three people who take me for granted and don't appreciate me, but the point was still a valid one.
I am trying to open my mouth. It started with an email tonight....a small first step, but a step nonetheless. I know, in my head, in the confines of my cranium, that I am going to have to learn to say NO loudly and clearly. That I am going to have to respect myself before anyone else will step on that train with me. But, why, why, oh WHY is it so hard to do it???
~Jenn
I am trying to open my mouth. It started with an email tonight....a small first step, but a step nonetheless. I know, in my head, in the confines of my cranium, that I am going to have to learn to say NO loudly and clearly. That I am going to have to respect myself before anyone else will step on that train with me. But, why, why, oh WHY is it so hard to do it???
~Jenn
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Not what you signed up for, is it? ;)
This blog hasn't been quite as positive as I had originally intended, for which I deeply apologise. Had I known that I would be faced with these many health and personal challenges, I would have waited to start my "adventure", and I certainly would have waited to invite people on board the bus with me.
Yet, here we are and I don't want to throw in the towel just yet. I'm hoping that as long as I keep trying to move forward (and be honest about the journey) then maybe there can be something good, something worthwhile to come from it. For those of you still here, I hope I can eventually make this the Live Love party you came for.
~Jenn
Yet, here we are and I don't want to throw in the towel just yet. I'm hoping that as long as I keep trying to move forward (and be honest about the journey) then maybe there can be something good, something worthwhile to come from it. For those of you still here, I hope I can eventually make this the Live Love party you came for.
~Jenn
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Holding on...
Update from my depressing post of yore: slept like the dead last night, and I woke up feeling like a few pounds have been shaved off of that rock on my chest. Whatever this is, I hope it (please, please, please) goes away for good.
~Jenn
~Jenn
Nothing. Left. To. Give.
Seriously.
I am sick. Again. I am sick of being sick. I'm sick of bitching about being sick. I feel like I've been sick for 6 months.
Maybe I have, I've lost track.
The inability to take a full breath is back. Hot and cold flashes, sweating, not sleeping, exhaustion, almost constant headache and every muscle, in my entire body, hurts.
I actually told my boss this today: "I want you to know that I don't feel physically capable of running this place right now. I have been sick, on and off, for months. I don't know what is wrong, but I am having a nearly impossible time concentrating on everything I need to do."
Pretty stupid thing to say with double-digit unemployment, huh?
I really do feel like I'm falling apart. And, on my way down the cliff, I feel like every one around me is trying to suck out every last little bit of me, every effing last shred, that I have left.
All I want to do is crawl in bed, for about a month straight, pull the covers over my head, and rest.
~Jenn
I am sick. Again. I am sick of being sick. I'm sick of bitching about being sick. I feel like I've been sick for 6 months.
Maybe I have, I've lost track.
The inability to take a full breath is back. Hot and cold flashes, sweating, not sleeping, exhaustion, almost constant headache and every muscle, in my entire body, hurts.
I actually told my boss this today: "I want you to know that I don't feel physically capable of running this place right now. I have been sick, on and off, for months. I don't know what is wrong, but I am having a nearly impossible time concentrating on everything I need to do."
Pretty stupid thing to say with double-digit unemployment, huh?
I really do feel like I'm falling apart. And, on my way down the cliff, I feel like every one around me is trying to suck out every last little bit of me, every effing last shred, that I have left.
All I want to do is crawl in bed, for about a month straight, pull the covers over my head, and rest.
~Jenn
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